What Does Being Happy Have To Do With It?

This morning, a friend posted a Business Insider article that highlighted choices that the happiest people make.  Since I've been in a really deep, not fit for public consumption funk the last few days, I decided to take a look.  Each item has been on some "How to be ____!" list many times before. That didn't really surprise me - the fundamentals are the fundamentals for a reason.  But when I thought about it in terms of this blog, I did see something new.

Of the seven items on the list, the three internally focused items all contribute to long term health. And, they are worded almost passively: exercise, get outdoors, and get enough sleep.

The externally focused items use strong, active verbs that would make any English teacher proud: make time for friends, focus on family, contribute to community, find meaning in work.  Perhaps even more importantly, what they all have in common is a need to actively build connections with others.  And isn't that what caring is all about?


Business Insider, May 28, 2014, 7 Choices Happy People Make Every Day

New York Times, Dec 15, 2013. A Formula for Happiness  (The Business Insider article refers to studies, which are discussed in this article, an op-ed piece. The op-ed piece makes some assessments about the meaning of the data that makes clear the author's political biases clear.  I include the link data-based claims should be referenced, not because of the content of the article.)

From the Heart

On the front door tonight!

After I got home from a very long and pretty stressful day, this PostIt was on the front door. It took all of 5 seconds to create, but it brightened my day, and made me feel awesome. I walked inside and also got a big hug from my oldest daughter.  

Then I went through my normal routine. Imagine my delight as I discovered a half dozen PostIts scattered around the house. Each one highlighted something specific that she treasures about our relationship.  My heart is still bursting with joy.  I'll be saving each of them for years, and will be pulling them out every time I need a little boost.   

My heart filled with joy!

It was a wonderful reminder that showing appreciation doesn't need to be big or grand or even store bought. Advice books of all sorts - from parenting, to management, to couples and community relationships - include this message: honest, authentic, specific, and relevant statements like the ones I found tonight do more to strengthen feelings than almost any other action one can take. 

Do you have a caregiver or friend that could benefit from this idea?  I guarantee you will brighten someone's day!

Another Kind of Therapy

Last weekend, as my youngest daughter and I spent a few hours in the garden, I remembered how much I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my back, the fragrance of the soil, and the feeling of accomplishment when we finished planting the bright flowers (and saw the pile of weeds we had pulled).  For me, gardening is as much about the ritual as the result. There is something cathartic about pulling weeds and clearing away the dead in preparation for new growth.  I began gardening as a hobby, but during my times as a caregiver for family members, I discovered the importance of carving out time for something that sustained me and gave me pleasure.  

Photo Credit: www.nabw.com

Like most of life's lessons, I learned it the hard way.  During my mother's last months, there was so much to do and our time was so limited that it seemed selfish for me to take a break from her care. I considered any time spent away a luxury that I just couldn't afford. I didn't sleep well, I ate poorly, and winter in Northern Ohio doesn't lend itself to outdoor activities.  By the time I returned home, I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was also completely unable to understand how some people found the strength to serve as a caregiver for years.  

Then, I remembered one of the stories my mother told. This one was about my uncle, who cared for his paraplegic wife for many, many years. Each week, he played tennis, and like most caregivers considered giving it up since he felt guilty about his "selfish" habit.  Luckily, someone - a good friend, or maybe a therapist - intervened and convinced him how necessary this time was for his own well being.  I can only imagine how great whacking a tennis ball must have felt.  

My mother, who faced challenges I didn't understand until I was a wife and mother, was lucky enough to have a best friend as a next door neighbor.  Several times a week, they would visit over coffee, sometimes for just a quick cup but sometimes for hours.  Their conversations were almost always light hearted and full of laughter.  Looking back, I realize that this was their way of coping with the life before them.  Knowing that they had a comrade in arms is what got them through.  

As we gardened, my daughter and I talked about how good it felt to yank roots out of the ground, and how I imagined every weed was a problem I faced or something I was angry about.  While my back is usually pretty sore afterwards, I'm usually calmer and better able to deal with whatever challenges remain. And, looking out on a beautiful, brightly colored, and vibrantly alive garden always brightens my mood.

The form it takes doesn't matter.  What matters is that you do something that is solely for you. Join a bowling league, yank weeds out of the garden, join a book club, go to church, or take a class.  Soak in the tub once a week, amidst bubbles and good smelling bath salts.  Find something that appeals to you, that nourishes you, and protect that time as vigorously as you protect the one you care for.

How do you nourish yourself? I'd love to see your responses in the comments below -- you might give someone else an idea that they can use!  

The Value of Ritual

"The human soul can always use a new tradition.  Sometimes we require them."  - Pat Conroy, The Lords of Discipline

There is something special, calming, and centering about repeating a practice until it becomes integral to who we are.  Then, the specific steps stop being the focus and we can concentrate on the outcome, the reason for the practice. My rituals are common place, but they center me and connect me to those I love.  My morning coffee allows me to focus on myself and prepare for the day ahead, while my nighttime routine builds unbreakable bonds with my children.

I've tucked my daughters in every night since they were babies.  When they were younger, the routine included telling a story, singing songs, and lying in bed together talking about whatever was on their minds. No matter how long my day at work was, this time was sacred.  Today, my teenage daughter and I simply exchange "Good night!" before she heads to bed. That saying is filled, however, with memories of the earlier ritual, and the unbreakable bond built during those times.

Over the years, I've come to understand that taking time for these - and other - rituals isn't selfish and doesn't mean that I'm neglecting others.  The practices that I integrated into the core of my being made me a stronger and better caregiver, mother, daughter and wife.  What rituals do you follow? 

The Joy of Writing

Refinery29 is the largest independent fashion and style website in the US, with more than one billion page views and 30 million unique visitors a year. If anyone had transitioned to an all digital universe, it should be the editors who spend their day writing and posting content to the web.

Letterpress notecards by Simple Ink 

Imagine my surprise when I read that Annie Georgia Greenberg, a style editor at Refinery29 sends handwritten notes after each interview.  She says that she invests in stationery that reflects her personality, and that hers is always a little quirky.  Mine tend more toward classic with a twist.

A handwritten note, even if it's on a piece of lined notebook paper, creates a connection between the writer and recipient. There's something about putting ink to paper and sending the envelope off that is more gratifying than simply hitting 'send.'

Even more importantly, the recipient gets the joy of opening that letter and reading the words that you wrote. And I believe that a greater connection is made. Yes, an email is more immediate, but a letter lasts forever.  One of my most prized possessions are letters written to her mother by my grandmother, an Army nurse serving in France during WWI. They are short, to the point, and the ink is fading. I can't imagine that an email written today will survive a hundred years.

It Is In Me

Laura Gallagher Art

“What I'm looking for is not out there, it is in me.” 
― Helen Keller

If we don't value ourselves, and don't demonstrate that by taking care of our own needs, we can't really live to our full potential.

Imagine trying to develop a friendship with someone who only has time for you after all their other work is done, when they are exhausted, and who feels guilty about the few minutes that they spend focused on you.  It's not a very satisfying idea, is it?  

Dedicating time and energy to self-discovery and to taking care of ourselves - physically, mentally, and spiritually - allows us to know where our strengths lie, what our weaknesses are, and to make purposeful decisions in line with our values and beliefs.   My morning routine includes coffee and a few minutes of quiet.  This time allows me to prepare for the day ahead.  I've learned that without it, I feel less grounded and less able to cope with whatever crisis erupts during the day.  What do you do to take care of yourself?  

It's Easy.

Photo Credit: Olena Ishchuk

Six months after his first heart attack, my husband learned there was no permanent damage to the muscle and that he could resume a fairly unrestricted life.  It was great news, and relieved both of us.  Then, Ed asked what he should do now.  

I've always remembered Dr. Collison's words:  "You live."  

A Kate Spade Kind of Life

I don't normally fall for things like this.... designer bags, shoes, or anything else that has a "label."  It's just not my style. I tend toward basic, neutral, and classic styles that last for years.  But then, a few years ago, I found this Kate Spade bag, which I blame completely on my teenage daughter, who really, really wanted a specific cell phone case (and who really doesn’t ask for much).

The Moroccan Green Florence bag became an obsession. I'd sneak a look at night before turning in. I tracked its sale price, just to see how low it would go. I rationalized. I asked friends to help me justify the splurge (they were amazingly helpful, by the way.) For a full two days, when it was a miraculous 45% off plus free shipping, I was ready to buy. 

I envisioned myself carrying my bag as I walked into the office, a fancy boutique, or the grocery store wearing ensembles that would make all the "Seen on the Street" fashion pages. I'd get to work on time.  The house would be spotless, and nutritious, tasty meals would be on the table for a family dinner each night.   

And that’s when it hit me. Even if the price was ridiculously low for a Kate Spade bag, even if it was exactly the right size and in a color I loved, it wouldn't do what I was really hoping it would.  My obsession with the bag reflected my need for order in the midst of chaos.  

My husband had been in the hospital - Intensive Care, actually - for three months and had contracted yet another infection. My daughters felt my fear and added it to their normal preteen and teen stresses. A major deadline on a “this can’t fail” project loomed at work. My insomnia was in overdrive and caffeine and takeout dinners had become major parts of my diet.

I finally admitted that I was overwhelmed. And no bag was going to fix that. Miraculously, my craving vanished into thin air.  I put effort into those things that I could control, like making sure I got enough sleep and accepting offers from good friends who volunteered to make us dinners on a regular basis. The ability to distinguish what I can control has made a world of difference in how well I navigate the craziness in my life.  

P.S.  I found a well-made bag in a go-with-everything color at a non-splurge price that has served me well. It hasn't changed my life, but I’m no longer  expecting it too.

Curo - What's It All About?

Curo is Latin for “to care for,” which is the whole point of the blog and the reason I feel driven to create Boheez, which will be an online business focused on showing that you care (launching soon!).  Even more important than buying the products, I’d love to create a community of caring -- for each other, for ourselves, and for the world we share.

What inspired all of this?  We tend to think about demonstrations that we care when emotions are at one extreme or another.  When either the celebration or the suffering is obvious.  But showing we care as an everyday gesture is equally important to the development of strong bonds. I’d love to create a space where we can learn and share wisdom and knowledge about what it means to care.

Please, join the conversation!

Posts In Curo will be organized under the following categories:

• Thoughts:  Short pieces, sometimes containing only an image or a little bit of text.
• Reflections: More in depth pieces, sometimes sourced, often with a personal spin, and will include guest bloggers.   
• Artists: The artists and entrepreneurs behind Boheez’ products have fascinating stories and journeys all their own.
• Products:  New Boheez products along with any special offers for our favorite people - you!
• Conversations:  A forum for your thoughts and comments.  All postings will be moderated, and while the intention will be to publish all submissions that relate to the idea of caring, Boheez reserves the right to withhold or delete any posts it chooses, as well as to edit for spelling, grammar, and length.