Happiness is a Way of Travel

You're Not Alone ... And You Don't Have to Be

Did you know that in the US nearly 66 million adults serve as unpaid caregivers to someone who is ill, disabled, or aged?  That's a heck of a lot of people -- about 29% of the population. The vast majority of them care for a relative, but many of them support a friend, neighbor, or colleague.

Image Credit:  www.thecaregiverspace.org

There are a number of sobering statistics about caregivers. The one that makes me saddest was posted by The Caregiver Space on their Facebook page: 36% of caregivers feel they have no source of support to turn to. That translates into 24 million people, about three times the population of New York City, who feel they are on their own to deal with the responsibility, the stress, and the uncertainty of caregiving.

In my case, the reasons included not wanting to intrude on the busy lives of my friends, a belief that I should be able to do it all, and the relatively gradual increase in the amount of caregiving my husband required.  

Looking back, it's easy to say that if I had known about the resources available, or how willing friends would be to help out, I would have reached out. The reality is that I was trying to just hang on and get through each day.  I researched the heck out of his symptoms, the disease progression, and how to support him.  It didn't dawn on me to look for support for myself.  

I've just published a page on this blog that lists a few resources for caregivers. It's only a start, and I haven't vetted them beyond a review of their website and/or their Facebook pages.  I'll post additional resources as I find them, and I encourage you to send me ones that you know about. (You can add them as a comment here if you like.) 

With 40% of US families providing care for someone, it's almost certain that you know a caregiver, if you aren't one yourself.  Reach out.  

The Purpose of Life is to Live It.

I've always loved this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, and reach for it whenever I need encouragement. But this weekend, it really hit home that I need to let it apply to my daughters' lives too. 

With every college application, homecoming dance, and other senior year experience, the fact that my oldest will be leaving home becomes less abstract. I want her to be able to live this quote even though I know that pain will be part of her journey. 

My heart wants to keep my daughters innocent and shelter them from everything bad in the world, from failures, mistakes, and pain. My head knows it's years too late for that, even if it were possible.

When my oldest was a baby, I dismissed the sleep training experts who encouraged letting babies cry it out and learn to self-soothe. Instead, I relied on Dr. Spock's admonition to trust myself. I rocked her to sleep, or sat beside her crib until she fell sound asleep, believing that it was critical that she knew someone would always be there for her. I wanted that knowledge to be part of her essence, her very being. She had years to figure out how to fall asleep on her own.

Our night time routine evolved into my tucking her in every night, lying next to her telling stories and talking about whatever was on her mind. Almost six years later, I did the same with her sister. That time spent together became almost sacred in our family and continued until each was about 11 years old. Then, without discussion or even saying a word, they each began going to bed on their own.

What does our nighttime routine have to do with preparing them to live life to its fullest? Everything, I think. Over and over again, as a manager, a parent, a friend, and a caregiver, I've seen the difference that results from knowing there is someone in your corner, that someone cares deeply for you, even when a mistake is made or plans go awry. My high school senior is in the throes of figuring out how she wants to live her life. It's a process that will likely take years as she decides which experiences she wants to taste along the way. All I can hope is that she reaches out eagerly and without fear, knowing that I'll be here no matter what. 

The Most Beautiful People

Image Credit:  Caregiving.com

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross originated the concept of the Five Stages of Grief, but she contributed so much more to western society.  She was also a pioneer of hospice, and considered dying just one more stage of life.  In fact, while she's often referenced for her work on death, dying, and grieving, she referred to herself most often as the "life and living lady."   

To find out more about Dr. Kubler-Ross, find resources for those who are aging or nearing their end of life, visit her foundation's website. In addition to a great deal of helpful information, the website also includes other resources for those in need.

A favorite quote: Leo Buscaglia

Focusing on Our Strengths

If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I was in a deep funk for the last few weeks.  My thoughts were about all the things, big and little, that weren't going the way I wanted them to. Let's just say I wasn't much fun to be around!  It's no wonder my kids decided to spend most of their time in their rooms.

Finally, I broke out of my funk and reminded myself that concentrating on what was wrong was about as productive as wishing the coffee would make itself. When I started focusing on what was right with my world - how good things really are for me - it was easy to find things to add to the list.

A favorite book when I was a manager (and management consultant) was First, Break all the Rules by Marcus Buckingham, a manager at the Gallup company.  In it, he details what he found reviewing 80,000 surveys. There were 12 key rules that great managers live by.  The one that has stuck with me is "Focus on Strengths."  So many times, our children's report cards are filled with "To improve, Johnny needs to....."  At work, our performance reports or appraisals always include a section of development actions to take us to the next level. What Buckingham found is that the managers who focused on the building up the strengths of their employees ended up with happier, more productive employees and better performing organizations.

That doesn't mean that they ignored areas that needed improvement.  Remember the 80/20 rule? Instead of spending 80 percent of the resources to 'fix' the 20 percent that was a problem, they focused the majority of their attention on making their employee's strengths even stronger.

How does a management book apply to getting me out of my funk, and more importantly, caring for myself?  When I started listing what was right in my world, I included what I was good at, and what I had at my disposal to make my dreams a reality.  I focused on my strengths.

Part of caring for ourselves includes taking that time to ensure we recognize our strengths, to recognize that no matter what else is happening in our worlds that we have a strong core to rely on.  We're all different, we all have a different set of strengths.  What are yours?  Take a few minutes to really think them through. I guarantee you'll feel better, and you'll see how good things really are.  

If you do nothing....

I have a strong belief that we receive messages when we need them.  I don't know if it's some greater force at work, or if it's simply like advertising -- even though the rug store always has a 70% off! sign in the window, we don't really notice it until we're looking for a rug.

Have you ever played the "What if only" game?  What if I had(n't) done X?  What if only I had done Y?  Then of course, life would be perfect.  I've been playing it the last few weeks. It's a really stupid and pointless game that took me far down a rabbit hole and wasted a lot of my energy and time.

Several years ago, I owned a retail store in downtown Annapolis that included products made by local artists who were ready to make that next leap -- usually they had been selling at craft fairs or on Etsy but weren't in a retail store.  Part of my goal was to give them a safe place to dip their toe in the water, to give them the confidence to do great things with their vision.  I closed the store in the middle of 2012, and lost touch with many of the people I met during that time.  I lurked on some of their Facebook pages, or stalked some of their websites on occasion to see what happened to them.  Some disappeared completely, and a few took the experience and continued to grow.

Two designers, Karen Grenalde of Kalai Kai and Cat Reinheimer, sold their work in the shop and have gone on to bigger and better things. Their talent and vision was clear and their success easy to predict, but I like to think that what they learned from our joint experience helped a little too.  Another artist, Suzi, launched Annapolis Brands, focusing first on children's clothing, but now selling  adult clothes and accessories.  By coincidence, she and I reconnected last week.

Whether it was that greater force at work, or simply coincidence, she told me that being carried in my store was the launching pad for her current business and vision.  Right then, the rules of the "What if only" game changed.   Instead of being a negative question, "What if" became a positive.  What if I had never opened the store, had never met Suzi at that time and place?  I'm sure she would have worked out her dream on her own; she's that kind of person, and her products are that good. That simple validation, however, forced me to change my perspective.

I'm back out of the rabbit hole, enjoying a clear and crisp new day, and moving forward.  As Gandhi said, we may not know what happens, but if we stay in the rabbit hole there will definitely be no results.