A Twist on the Traditional Group Gift

There are all kinds of reasons for a group to come together to give a single gift.  Sometimes, they're elaborate, but most often the goal is just to show that you care.  Boheez carries a variety of gift books that can make a thoughtful, long-lasting reminder of the connections that tie us together, perfect for retirement celebrations, weddings, milestone birthdays, or encouraging someone dealing with an illness.

Our books are not only beautiful and contain inspirational passages, but they also have an abundance of open space, ready for each member of the group to add their own personal note on a page that speaks to them. Costing between $10 and $15, the books can stand on their own or be added to another gift.

When I was going through my own (multiple) crises, I fell into a habit of re-reading the facebook messages, emails, and texts that friends and colleagues sent. Especially on days when I was feeling sad, alone, and overwhelmed, those simple messages meant so much.  My late husband, when he retired early due to his disability and illness, received a large print surrounded with messages from his coworkers.  Luckily, we had space to hang it where could view it frequently.  It served as a wonderful reminder of happier days and strong friendships.

These books are like that, only in a smaller, portable, and more accessible version.  What innovative group gifts have you given (or received)?  Do you have any ideas for a twist on group gifts?  Share, please!

A Lesson I Need To Learn

There's a difference between learning from blunders and being weighed down by them.  This a lesson I need to learn in almost every aspect of my life.  How about you?

 Image Credit:  Hippie Peace Freaks

This is What I've Been Up To

A rule, maybe the cardinal rule of blogging is to post frequently so that your readers don't forget about you. Sometimes though, when an opportunity falls into your lap and a deadline is involved, the routine of writing and posting falls by the wayside.  Such was the case when I decided to open a pop-up shop at Gallery 3976, an awesome collection of artists and vendors at 1818 Margaret Ave. in the Annapolis Design District - the commercial area bounded by West Street, Legion Avenue, and Chinquapin Round Road.

Gallery 3976 located at 1818 Margaret Ave.

Boheez will be open Thursday through Saturday from 11 - 5 pm.  In December, we will also be open on Wednesday and Sunday, making it easier for you to get your holiday shopping done!  And, if those times aren't convenient for you, just email Service@Boheez.com and we'll make arrangements to meet you when it's convenient for you!  If you haven't liked the Boheez Facebook page yet, I highly recommend it -- that's where I'll be posting the latest news and special deals.

Zum Soaps at Boheez's pop up shop

The Gallery's first big event was a fundraiser for the Chesapeake Ballet Theater, which took place on November 14th.  It was a mad dash to transform an old warehouse space into a fun and functional space where creativity could thrive and customers could shop easily.  Close to 200 friends, family, and supporters of the Theater stopped by to shop, eat, drink, and shop some more!

Our Nautical Throw in the lobby!

That night, I realized that what I miss most about running a brick and mortar store is the instant reaction of customers to a product or the overall concept.  

Chesapeake Ballet Theater Fundraisers

There's no way any Yelp review can capture that look of joy (or disdain!) when a customer sees something for the first time. It's also so much fun to be surrounded by the creativity of the artists!  One of the goals of the Gallery is to be include a showroom of sorts -- combining all of the artists products together as they would be in an actual home.

For example, the Gallery Lobby resembles a comfortable family room, with artwork by Debra Watson, an embroidered pillow by Pier 77, a cedar trunk by Knot Shore, a driftwood sailboat by By the Bay, and a Nautical Throw that Boheez offers in two versions.  (The recycled metal Pelican is also available at Boheez, but only in the Gallery).   Please stop by if you're in the Annapolis area!  We'd love to see you!

Happiness is a Way of Travel

You're Not Alone ... And You Don't Have to Be

Did you know that in the US nearly 66 million adults serve as unpaid caregivers to someone who is ill, disabled, or aged?  That's a heck of a lot of people -- about 29% of the population. The vast majority of them care for a relative, but many of them support a friend, neighbor, or colleague.

Image Credit:  www.thecaregiverspace.org

There are a number of sobering statistics about caregivers. The one that makes me saddest was posted by The Caregiver Space on their Facebook page: 36% of caregivers feel they have no source of support to turn to. That translates into 24 million people, about three times the population of New York City, who feel they are on their own to deal with the responsibility, the stress, and the uncertainty of caregiving.

In my case, the reasons included not wanting to intrude on the busy lives of my friends, a belief that I should be able to do it all, and the relatively gradual increase in the amount of caregiving my husband required.  

Looking back, it's easy to say that if I had known about the resources available, or how willing friends would be to help out, I would have reached out. The reality is that I was trying to just hang on and get through each day.  I researched the heck out of his symptoms, the disease progression, and how to support him.  It didn't dawn on me to look for support for myself.  

I've just published a page on this blog that lists a few resources for caregivers. It's only a start, and I haven't vetted them beyond a review of their website and/or their Facebook pages.  I'll post additional resources as I find them, and I encourage you to send me ones that you know about. (You can add them as a comment here if you like.) 

With 40% of US families providing care for someone, it's almost certain that you know a caregiver, if you aren't one yourself.  Reach out.  

The Purpose of Life is to Live It.

I've always loved this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, and reach for it whenever I need encouragement. But this weekend, it really hit home that I need to let it apply to my daughters' lives too. 

With every college application, homecoming dance, and other senior year experience, the fact that my oldest will be leaving home becomes less abstract. I want her to be able to live this quote even though I know that pain will be part of her journey. 

My heart wants to keep my daughters innocent and shelter them from everything bad in the world, from failures, mistakes, and pain. My head knows it's years too late for that, even if it were possible.

When my oldest was a baby, I dismissed the sleep training experts who encouraged letting babies cry it out and learn to self-soothe. Instead, I relied on Dr. Spock's admonition to trust myself. I rocked her to sleep, or sat beside her crib until she fell sound asleep, believing that it was critical that she knew someone would always be there for her. I wanted that knowledge to be part of her essence, her very being. She had years to figure out how to fall asleep on her own.

Our night time routine evolved into my tucking her in every night, lying next to her telling stories and talking about whatever was on her mind. Almost six years later, I did the same with her sister. That time spent together became almost sacred in our family and continued until each was about 11 years old. Then, without discussion or even saying a word, they each began going to bed on their own.

What does our nighttime routine have to do with preparing them to live life to its fullest? Everything, I think. Over and over again, as a manager, a parent, a friend, and a caregiver, I've seen the difference that results from knowing there is someone in your corner, that someone cares deeply for you, even when a mistake is made or plans go awry. My high school senior is in the throes of figuring out how she wants to live her life. It's a process that will likely take years as she decides which experiences she wants to taste along the way. All I can hope is that she reaches out eagerly and without fear, knowing that I'll be here no matter what. 

The Most Beautiful People

Image Credit:  Caregiving.com

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross originated the concept of the Five Stages of Grief, but she contributed so much more to western society.  She was also a pioneer of hospice, and considered dying just one more stage of life.  In fact, while she's often referenced for her work on death, dying, and grieving, she referred to herself most often as the "life and living lady."   

To find out more about Dr. Kubler-Ross, find resources for those who are aging or nearing their end of life, visit her foundation's website. In addition to a great deal of helpful information, the website also includes other resources for those in need.

A favorite quote: Leo Buscaglia

Focusing on Our Strengths

If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I was in a deep funk for the last few weeks.  My thoughts were about all the things, big and little, that weren't going the way I wanted them to. Let's just say I wasn't much fun to be around!  It's no wonder my kids decided to spend most of their time in their rooms.

Finally, I broke out of my funk and reminded myself that concentrating on what was wrong was about as productive as wishing the coffee would make itself. When I started focusing on what was right with my world - how good things really are for me - it was easy to find things to add to the list.

A favorite book when I was a manager (and management consultant) was First, Break all the Rules by Marcus Buckingham, a manager at the Gallup company.  In it, he details what he found reviewing 80,000 surveys. There were 12 key rules that great managers live by.  The one that has stuck with me is "Focus on Strengths."  So many times, our children's report cards are filled with "To improve, Johnny needs to....."  At work, our performance reports or appraisals always include a section of development actions to take us to the next level. What Buckingham found is that the managers who focused on the building up the strengths of their employees ended up with happier, more productive employees and better performing organizations.

That doesn't mean that they ignored areas that needed improvement.  Remember the 80/20 rule? Instead of spending 80 percent of the resources to 'fix' the 20 percent that was a problem, they focused the majority of their attention on making their employee's strengths even stronger.

How does a management book apply to getting me out of my funk, and more importantly, caring for myself?  When I started listing what was right in my world, I included what I was good at, and what I had at my disposal to make my dreams a reality.  I focused on my strengths.

Part of caring for ourselves includes taking that time to ensure we recognize our strengths, to recognize that no matter what else is happening in our worlds that we have a strong core to rely on.  We're all different, we all have a different set of strengths.  What are yours?  Take a few minutes to really think them through. I guarantee you'll feel better, and you'll see how good things really are.  

If you do nothing....

I have a strong belief that we receive messages when we need them.  I don't know if it's some greater force at work, or if it's simply like advertising -- even though the rug store always has a 70% off! sign in the window, we don't really notice it until we're looking for a rug.

Have you ever played the "What if only" game?  What if I had(n't) done X?  What if only I had done Y?  Then of course, life would be perfect.  I've been playing it the last few weeks. It's a really stupid and pointless game that took me far down a rabbit hole and wasted a lot of my energy and time.

Several years ago, I owned a retail store in downtown Annapolis that included products made by local artists who were ready to make that next leap -- usually they had been selling at craft fairs or on Etsy but weren't in a retail store.  Part of my goal was to give them a safe place to dip their toe in the water, to give them the confidence to do great things with their vision.  I closed the store in the middle of 2012, and lost touch with many of the people I met during that time.  I lurked on some of their Facebook pages, or stalked some of their websites on occasion to see what happened to them.  Some disappeared completely, and a few took the experience and continued to grow.

Two designers, Karen Grenalde of Kalai Kai and Cat Reinheimer, sold their work in the shop and have gone on to bigger and better things. Their talent and vision was clear and their success easy to predict, but I like to think that what they learned from our joint experience helped a little too.  Another artist, Suzi, launched Annapolis Brands, focusing first on children's clothing, but now selling  adult clothes and accessories.  By coincidence, she and I reconnected last week.

Whether it was that greater force at work, or simply coincidence, she told me that being carried in my store was the launching pad for her current business and vision.  Right then, the rules of the "What if only" game changed.   Instead of being a negative question, "What if" became a positive.  What if I had never opened the store, had never met Suzi at that time and place?  I'm sure she would have worked out her dream on her own; she's that kind of person, and her products are that good. That simple validation, however, forced me to change my perspective.

I'm back out of the rabbit hole, enjoying a clear and crisp new day, and moving forward.  As Gandhi said, we may not know what happens, but if we stay in the rabbit hole there will definitely be no results.

Trust Your Heart

From a Facebook page that I follow (and website I've relied on).  I'm in the midst of writing a post related to this.  Coincidence?  

Image Credit:  www.caregiving.com

What Difference Can Five Dollars Make?

Patiss Watch $148

This October, in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, TOKYObay is donating five dollars from each sale of its pink watches to thepinkfund.org.  Thepinkfund.org is an organization that provides non-medical financial aid to cover basic living expenses while patients undergo breast cancer treatment.  Now through the end of October, Boheez is also donating five dollars per pink watch, with our five dollars going to the Infusion Center at the DeCesaris Cancer Institute, part of the Anne Arundel Medical Center.

Gaucho Watch $100

At first, it doesn't seem like much. Five dollars a watch?  How big of a difference can that really make?  For a good sized, wholesale company that does business internationally, five dollars times each pink watch can add up pretty quickly. But even a (very) small company like Boheez can make a visible difference.  Let me tell you how.

I spent some time last summer at the Infusion Center hooked up to an IV for my own chemotherapy treatments.  In addition to the top notch medical care, volunteers wandered the floor checking in on patients and offering conversation, moral support, and snacks and beverages. One of the volunteers mentioned that the snack cabinet used to include peanut butter crackers in addition to graham crackers and saltines.  The peanut butter crackers were prized because they had at least a little protein (something that chemo patients need more of in their diet) and a lot more flavor than the other crackers. 

Bean Watch $80

Budget cuts, however, led to the elimination of peanut butter crackers. It didn't have a huge impact, it didn't change the course of anyone's treatment. But it did make difference to those of us lying in those chairs.  My chemo buddy, Debra, who accompanied me to most of my day-long treatments, brought a box or two of crackers to our remaining visits.  You'd think it was Christmas morning the way they were received.  

Boheez likely won't sell enough pink watches during October to make a huge dent in breast cancer treatment and support, but I bet we can sell enough to keep the Infusion Center stocked with peanut butter crackers and brighten a pretty icky day for those spending time at the Infusion Center.

P.S.  If you click on any of the images, you'll go straight to that watch on the Boheez site.  

Artist Profile -- Todd Parr, Children's Author

One of my favorite authors, who I wish was around when I was a kid, is Todd Parr.  I almost think of him as a modern-day Dr. Seuss, whose books for children hold just as much joy for adults.  The publisher notes say that his books are intended for 3-6 year olds, but I find that much too limiting. Younger children understand the concepts of love, kindness, and feeling good, while older kids can use the books as the starting points for more mature discussions.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd uses bright colors and humor in his books about a wide range of topics, from talking about love, to the various shapes and sizes that families come in, being scared, and finding joy in being who we are, no matter how different we may seem.  

It says something about Todd that his bio includes his favorite color (blue) and his favorite food (mac & cheese) along with a photo of himself and his beloved dogs.  Before he tells readers that he's the author of close to 40 books and creates short films for Sesame Street, he points out that he likes to paint and draw but failed art class.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd's books have won a whole host of awards, including Reader's Choice awards, the National Parenting Publications Award, and Scholastic's Parent & Child Magazine's Teacher's Picks.  He's also been on the NY Times best selling author list. On his website, he also offers an 8-page guide for parents and teachers filled with ideas and activities to use with several of his best-selling books.

Here at Boheez, we carry (mostly) the hardcopy versions of Todd's books because we believe they hold up better to the frequent page turning and passing on that happens to favorite reads.  We also think that a hardcover book just makes a more thoughtful gift -- and that's what we're all about.  

 

With Great Power Comes Great Optimism

Years ago, I was in a seminar on personal power. While the speaker (who is long forgotten) was focused on power within an organization, the lessons apply to every aspect of life. His main point was that power comes from having options. If we can see options, we can gain power because we become active players, taking some measure of control over our lives and our future.

This Joan Rivers* quote is a different way of making the same point.  Those of us old enough to have watched Joan pre-Fashion Police know that her life had its share of ups and downs.  What kept her going was her ability to take control over her life.  Even after a horrific year (her husband committed suicide, her TV show was cancelled, and a feud with Johnny Carson resulted in no one willing to hire her), she pulled herself together and moved forward. 
 
I believe her greatest power came not from her ability to see options but from her ability to create new options when she didn't like the ones she saw. And that gave Joan optimism about the future. Knowing that she had the power to make her own door let her live life on her own terms. 

As a caregiver (or parent, employee, or fill-in-the-blank), there were many days when the doors in front of me were depressing, locked, or too scary to go through.  I wish I could say that I created my own door before it was the last resort, but I can't.  I often felt powerless to do anything but be swept along in the current, hoping that whatever was happening would end soon and we'd return to whatever the last version of "normal" was.

It's only been in the last year or two that I've truly realized that living according to someone else's priorities just isn't what I want to do, or the lesson that I want to teach my children. All of a sudden, that door that was too scary now seems like the best and only real option.  I may not know what the "something terrific" will be, but knowing that I'm creating it, that I'm actively choosing that option, gives me great power and great optimism.  And that's not half bad.

*The quote is from Joan Rivers' 1992 book Still Talking.

Isn't This The Truth?

This graphic, originally found here, is by Julia Gamolina.  It fits all aspects of my life perfectly, from career to kids to marriage and everything in between. What about you?  How have your life plans turned out?

Coincidence?

Yesterday, just as I posted the blog about tough vs. soft forms of love, a friend posted this to Facebook and noted that he probably didn't say them enough.  I think everybody needs to hear these phrases.  I spent a long time emphasizing numbers 1 and 5, but have added 2, 6, and 7. (Don't feel too badly about numbers 3 and 4.  They're in there too!)

What do you think about this list?  Is there anything missing?  

What's the Right Way to Care?

Part of caring for others is to know when to be soft and when to be tough.  Knowing which way to lean is never easy, and I'll be the first to admit I've gotten it wrong many, many times.

Photo Credit:  Mamma Mia

As my daughters dealt with their dad's illness and grieved his death, I was a pushover.  I was lenient when they wanted to stay home from school because they were just sad, or not feeling well and just needed some parental love.  There were complicating factors with each of my daughters that made it easy to rationalize.  Working from home also made it easier for me to say yes to their needs (ok...wants).  

Looking back, having them around to snuggle with and take care of helped me through my grieving too.  It felt good, and it was a nice change to have something that I could fix with chicken noodle soup, some hugs and a favorite DVD. We were a team, all for one and one for all.

Now it's time to get tough.  Some (school administrators, for example), pushed me to get tough earlier.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't - it just didn't feel right.

But now I can.  It's not been easy, but the first step is always the hardest.  The rule this year is that if they aren't bleeding profusely, vomiting, or have a 103 degree fever, they are going to school and doing their homework. And participating in outside events.  We made it through three weeks of school without too much trouble.  But this week, my oldest, a high school senior, has a three day camping trip with her class where they'll go white water rafting, bond, and discuss their plans for their last year at school. 

Even that short period away has caused both girls anxiety.  The fear that something bad will happen to another loved one is common for those who have experienced serious illness or death. My job now is to be the tough mom, to remind them of their strength and their responsibilities.  To tell them that with each step it will be a little easier for them.  And a little easier for me.  

Knowing when to be soft and when to be tough is hard.  Each person, each situation is different. To quote Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do."  Sometimes, you'll get it wrong.  But more often, you'll get it right. 

A Double Burden

Just one month ago, Robin Williams' death shocked the world and brought mental health and depression to the forefront. The nightly news and the internet was filled with conversation about depression and suicide.  I was struck by the range of beliefs concerning suicide, and the ingrained reactions that belied a lack of knowledge about the topic.  Normally, it's a topic avoided even more than politics and religion.  At least for a few short weeks, there were some fairly candid discussions, and I hope, some learning done.

I've seen and dealt with my share of depression.  A January 2013 newspaper article reported that large-scale studies suggest between 10 and 70 percent of suicides are linked to chronic illness or unrelenting pain.  That statistic didn't surprise me at all, and my guess is the true number is closer to 70 percent than 10.

As caregivers, our burden is double.  We have to be aware of and able to talk about our own mental health as well as that of those we care for.  Watching someone you love in mental pain is hard, very hard.  For me, it was worse than dealing with almost any other aspect of my husband's illness.  There were many days when I know he thought about ending his life - because he told me and we talked it through.  He was tired of the never ending pain, the growing weakness, the constant threat of choking, of falling, of another heart attack, of what he could no longer do.  One of his greatest concerns was the weight he was placing on his family -- on me and our two daughters.  Many days that bothered him more than the physical aspects of his illnesses.

My reaction was to hide my feelings as best as possible as often as possible; to tell him we were all in this together, that I was saddened too, but that we would make it through and that the vow "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" was sacred.  In the end, he was stronger than his depression, but not stronger than his other diseases.   After his death, I turned my focus to my daughters and their grief.  In hindsight, it was only this summer, nearly two years later, that I announced I was putting my health first and did so.  I have no scientific proof, but also no doubt that the unbelievable fatigue and the amount of sleep I needed this summer was my body's way of dealing with both the chemo side effects and the emotional stress of the past several years.

Four weeks after Robin's death, the discussion about depression and suicide has dropped off.  I can only hope that the conversations that took place are lodged in our collective memories, and that those who need help - and those who love them - will remember and find the strength to reach out for help.

Orlando Sentinel, January 24, 2013, Chronic pain and suicide

Ceremony and Celebration

The invitations for the last celebrations I've gone to or hosted were sent via Evite, email, or a Facebook event.  I can't remember the last time the mail carrier brought a formal invitation to the house. Not that I'm complaining! The procrastinator in me loves the ability to get it done with a push of a button, and I especially appreciate the automatic, electronic reminders of upcoming events.

Gratitude Letterpress Notecards

Between technology and an increasingly informal culture, many of the traditional markers of ceremony have fallen to the wayside.  However, I believe that ceremony remains an integral and important part of our lives. I'd even argue that today's smaller, more informal ceremonies are more meaningful than the spectacular but infrequent celebrations of the past.

Wikipedia describes ceremonies as events of ritual significance.  There is something to be said for incorporating even informal ceremony into our everyday lives. To my mind, ceremony is really about cementing a bond between two or more people, or a bond with a higher power.

To celebrate the end of my chemotherapy treatments, a group of friends and I joined for dinner at a local restaurant.  It was an evening of laughter, great food and drinks, better conversation, and a reconnection with some friends I hadn't seen in a while.  There's a reason that breaking bread together is an integral part of many ceremonies.  For the younger crowd (and some adults), friendship bracelets have become a popular way to show support for someone who is struggling, and to serve as a constant reminder of that bond, even when you are apart.

Friendship Bracelets

One of the most loving ceremonies I've ever witnessed happened when my husband was in the hospital near the end of his life and when he was unable to care for himself. He always clipped his fingernails very short, but with all his other needs, this was one task that just didn't get done.  My oldest daughter noticed, and without saying a word, brought her manicure kit on the next visit.  She spent close to an hour working on his hands and feet, lovingly getting them back to the condition that he preferred, strengthening the bond between them in a way she will never forget, and making him feel just a little more human and a lot more loved.  If there could be a modern version of the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet, I think this might be it.

And, really, isn't that what caring is all about -- demonstrating to someone that there is a special bond? That they are not alone; that someone is in the fight with them?

Handbuilt Daisy Mug

When I use one of my favorite coffee mugs -- whether it's the tackiest, most touristy one my mom could find during her visit soon after I moved to Washington DC or one of the set given to me 27 years ago by my maid-of-honor -- I remember both the person and the event.  These rituals are insignificant compared to some, but they connect me to my late mother and to a friend I haven't seen in years.  With every use, I strengthen those bonds and celebrate those relationships.

I'd love to hear what little ceremonies or celebrations you've incorporated into your life.  How do you recognize the bonds between yourself and others?

P.S.  The images I've used are of products that will be for sale at www.Boheez.com when the store opens (very shortly). Stay tuned for a special pre-opening Sneak Peek Sale where you'll be able to get some great gifts for yourselves and others at a fantastic price.  And remember, the holiday season isn't all that far away!

When the Tables Turn

In my last post, I mentioned that I had just finished treatment for ovarian cancer.  Luckily, the cyst was discovered during an annual exam and removed during what is called 'debulking' surgery.  The tumor was determined to be Stage I and there was no spread of the disease.  In discussion with my oncologist, I decided to go through chemotherapy as extra insurance - to make sure any microscopic cells were destroyed - essentially reducing the chance of recurrence to almost zero.

The hardest part of the whole ordeal?  Transitioning from caregiver to care-needer.

I came by my Caregiver badge honestly, with brief periods caring for my 100-year old grandmother and terminally ill mother, and a nearly 10 year stint caring for my disabled and chronically ill husband.  I juggled them with a full time job, raising two (amazing) daughters, and owning a store in downtown Annapolis.  I had convinced myself I could do it all.  And then all of a sudden, I couldn't.  There was no way I was going to be able to get through the chemotherapy without asking for help.  And that bothered me more than anything.  It took several weeks for me to work up the courage to ask my closest friends for help.

Guess what?  It really wasn't that bad.  I made specific requests for help (healthful meals that appealed to preteen and teen girls was a primary need), enjoyed catching up with old friends who expressed concern and best wishes, and focused on taking care of myself - mainly sleeping when I was tired and drinking lots and lots of water.  I reached out to the parents of my youngest daughter's closest friends, and they came to my rescue with playdates and overnights to distract her. My older daughter spent her summer doing teen things - mostly involving nail polish - but also taking care of me (she's a natural caregiver).

Now that the chemotherapy is over, I'm looking forward to returning to my previous "take charge" persona and energy level.  But I've learned how to ask for help when I need it.  And that's a lesson I'll keep with me forever.

It Didn't Hurt a Bit: My Acupuncture Experience

After four rounds of chemotherapy, the fatigue and neuropathy, which for me translated into tingly and numb fingertips and bone pain in my knees and shins, were constant and persistent.  The bone pain kept me up at night, all night, while the fatigue made everything much harder to accomplish.  For the record, let me say that I'm not the most patient patient.  I want to be better NOW.

I began to tire of the fog that came with the drugs that took the edge off the pain.  I asked my oncologist for suggestions.  In addition to saying that it just takes time, he said that I might want to consider acupuncture, which had shown better results than medication in relieving bone pain.

Oh, crap, I thought. A good friend swore by acupuncture and had been encouraging me to try it.  I kept putting her off, telling her that I didn't really like the idea of needles stuck into my body.   Especially after the IVs and blood tests I had been through, I wanted to be done with needles for a while.

I had done some research and had heard from others about the effectiveness of acupuncture, I was still leery. However, that my oncologist is someone who is driven by data rather than touchy-feely mumbo jumbo pushed me over the edge.  I called my friend and she made a joint appointment at a local facility, knowing that I might back out if left on my own.

The facility reminded me of a spa, only instead of massage tables in individual rooms, there was a large room with a half dozen oversized recliners.  Music played softly, just covering the sounds of the air conditioner.  Three of the chairs were occupied by napping women covered with light blankets. After filling out the standard forms and discussing my issues with Mina, who is a Registered Nurse as well as a Licensed Acupuncturist, I took my place in one of the chairs and tried to relax.

Mina placed a dozen needles - and I only felt a zing from one of them.  Having stepped on or impaled myself with a good number of quilting needles, I expected worse.  Almost immediately, I felt a weight in my torso.  I didn't drift off to sleep, but came close a few times. It wasn't so bad. After about 45 minutes, she removed the needles and the session was over.  Because my fingers were bothering me the most, that's the area she focused on.  Over the next day or two, I noticed that the tingling and numbness in my fingers had decreased by about 40%.  However, the leg pain and fatigue was just as bad if not worse.  So I went back for a second round.

This time, Mina used about 20 needles and focused on my leg pain, placing them in my arms as well as my feet.  The session was longer, about an hour, and I came close to falling asleep this time. Maybe I nodded off for a few minutes.  When it was finished, I felt lighter somehow, and had even less tingly-ness in my fingers -- probably down to about 20%.  Two days later, I'm still more fatigued than I'd like, but my leg pain is less severe.  Mina recommended two or three treatments for the first few weeks, followed by weekly treatments, and a reassessment about a month later.  I think I'm going to stick with her plan.

More information about Acupuncture

I visited Annapolis Community Acupuncture, owned by Mina Johns.  Annapolis Community Acupuncture a member of the The People's Organization of Community Acupuncture, whose mission is to make group acupuncture accessible and affordable.  I appreciate their payment scale that leaves the fee up to the client -- in Annapolis, MD the lowest fee is $15 per session, making it affordable for almost everyone.  If you want to read some studies on the effectiveness of acupuncture, this is a good place to start:  NIH Study on Acupuncture.

Soothing Sounds

Some of you may know that this blog is part of a larger vision ... a website that is a center of all things about caring. Very, very soon, Boheez.com will be launching and this blog will be integrated into it.  We will include resources (many recommended by you), as well as great gifts that show you care ... for yourself, others and the world around us.  Sometimes, we've been lucky enough to find a single product can scratch all three itches.

Wind chimes happen to be one of my favorite gifts to give, either for special occasions or "just because."  I can choose from a larger chime (like the 26" long Ode to Joy) or a smaller 12" precious stone chime (to the right). Both chimes are made by Woodstock Chimes in upstate New York.  If you've been in any garden store recently, you know that wind chimes are everywhere.  Sadly, no matter how beautiful they all are, some just don't sound that good.

And that's what sets Woodstock Chimes apart.  Founded by a Grammy award winning musician, each and every one of their chimes are tuned with precision.  There's not an off note among them.  And, Woodstock sets a high standard for social responsibility as well (a topic for another post!)

Well crafted (mine has lasted more than 10 years under an eave), they are a delight.  For me, hearing a chime is a trigger for relaxation -- I'm transported to a place where everything is calm. It's also a memory -- my mother loved wind chimes as well.  We all need something that can take us to a better place, where we can feel grounded and free from the burdens of the day.  Mine is a wind chime.  What's yours?

Just Getting it Done Already!

With schools in our area back in session at the end of this month, the fact that my "This summer I should...." List hasn't gotten much shorter is starting to weigh on my mind.  I've done a lot that wasn't on the original list but That List is still pretty long.

Whether I attribute it to time management issues, a preference for working under deadlines, my ability to be flexible and adjust my priorities, or my self-diagnosed ADD tendencies, this isn't a unique occurrence.  Some of the items are pretty large and will take several days (clean out and reorganize my office, which has turned into the family catch-all storage room), but some are pretty small (publish a blog entry at least every week, preferably several times a week).

What does That List have to do with to topic of caring, which this blog is supposed to be about?

Everything, really. One of my favorite teachers, life coach extraordinaire Julio Olalla, was the first person to put the idea in terms I understood:  how do I identify those things that are important to me? By the time and energy that I put towards them; by what I make a priority.

If it really matters, if I really care for it, I'll make room in my life for it. "It" can be a personal relationship, spiritual growth, getting ahead at work, physical health, or anything else.  Want an interesting exercise?  Figure out how much time you spent on each area of your life in the past week or month.  It's an eye opening way to see what really matters and what doesn't.  My morning ritual (a couple of cups of coffee and a review of the New York Times headlines) is clearly a higher priority than many other activities.

One of the items on my summer list was to continue my year-long effort focusing on my health.  I expected that meant getting the standard prods and pokes, seeing a few specialists for those nagging issues that just haven't gone away, exercising regularly, and eating better.  On average, a very manageable few hours a week.  Turns out, focusing on my health, demonstrating that I cared for myself, became the overwhelming priority this summer (a topic for another post), taking up the majority of my time and energy and much of my family's.

And that's a big reason why the other items on That List are still there.  They fell in priority.  That doesn't mean that they are not still important; they're just not as important.  But now, with only weeks to go, I need a way to tackle at least some of them.

One of my favorite new reads is ADDitude Magazine, an online mag focused on ADD, but which contains a lot of good information for everyone regardless of any diagnosis.  The article that caught my eye recently is 9 Ways to Just Get It DONE Already!  It's helped me to look at That List with a fresh eye, prioritize those things I care about, eliminate those I don't care as much about, and get stuff done.

Does your List really reflect your priorities and what you care about?

What Does Being Happy Have To Do With It?

This morning, a friend posted a Business Insider article that highlighted choices that the happiest people make.  Since I've been in a really deep, not fit for public consumption funk the last few days, I decided to take a look.  Each item has been on some "How to be ____!" list many times before. That didn't really surprise me - the fundamentals are the fundamentals for a reason.  But when I thought about it in terms of this blog, I did see something new.

Of the seven items on the list, the three internally focused items all contribute to long term health. And, they are worded almost passively: exercise, get outdoors, and get enough sleep.

The externally focused items use strong, active verbs that would make any English teacher proud: make time for friends, focus on family, contribute to community, find meaning in work.  Perhaps even more importantly, what they all have in common is a need to actively build connections with others.  And isn't that what caring is all about?


Business Insider, May 28, 2014, 7 Choices Happy People Make Every Day

New York Times, Dec 15, 2013. A Formula for Happiness  (The Business Insider article refers to studies, which are discussed in this article, an op-ed piece. The op-ed piece makes some assessments about the meaning of the data that makes clear the author's political biases clear.  I include the link data-based claims should be referenced, not because of the content of the article.)

From the Heart

On the front door tonight!

After I got home from a very long and pretty stressful day, this PostIt was on the front door. It took all of 5 seconds to create, but it brightened my day, and made me feel awesome. I walked inside and also got a big hug from my oldest daughter.  

Then I went through my normal routine. Imagine my delight as I discovered a half dozen PostIts scattered around the house. Each one highlighted something specific that she treasures about our relationship.  My heart is still bursting with joy.  I'll be saving each of them for years, and will be pulling them out every time I need a little boost.   

My heart filled with joy!

It was a wonderful reminder that showing appreciation doesn't need to be big or grand or even store bought. Advice books of all sorts - from parenting, to management, to couples and community relationships - include this message: honest, authentic, specific, and relevant statements like the ones I found tonight do more to strengthen feelings than almost any other action one can take. 

Do you have a caregiver or friend that could benefit from this idea?  I guarantee you will brighten someone's day!

Another Kind of Therapy

Last weekend, as my youngest daughter and I spent a few hours in the garden, I remembered how much I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my back, the fragrance of the soil, and the feeling of accomplishment when we finished planting the bright flowers (and saw the pile of weeds we had pulled).  For me, gardening is as much about the ritual as the result. There is something cathartic about pulling weeds and clearing away the dead in preparation for new growth.  I began gardening as a hobby, but during my times as a caregiver for family members, I discovered the importance of carving out time for something that sustained me and gave me pleasure.  

Photo Credit: www.nabw.com

Like most of life's lessons, I learned it the hard way.  During my mother's last months, there was so much to do and our time was so limited that it seemed selfish for me to take a break from her care. I considered any time spent away a luxury that I just couldn't afford. I didn't sleep well, I ate poorly, and winter in Northern Ohio doesn't lend itself to outdoor activities.  By the time I returned home, I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was also completely unable to understand how some people found the strength to serve as a caregiver for years.  

Then, I remembered one of the stories my mother told. This one was about my uncle, who cared for his paraplegic wife for many, many years. Each week, he played tennis, and like most caregivers considered giving it up since he felt guilty about his "selfish" habit.  Luckily, someone - a good friend, or maybe a therapist - intervened and convinced him how necessary this time was for his own well being.  I can only imagine how great whacking a tennis ball must have felt.  

My mother, who faced challenges I didn't understand until I was a wife and mother, was lucky enough to have a best friend as a next door neighbor.  Several times a week, they would visit over coffee, sometimes for just a quick cup but sometimes for hours.  Their conversations were almost always light hearted and full of laughter.  Looking back, I realize that this was their way of coping with the life before them.  Knowing that they had a comrade in arms is what got them through.  

As we gardened, my daughter and I talked about how good it felt to yank roots out of the ground, and how I imagined every weed was a problem I faced or something I was angry about.  While my back is usually pretty sore afterwards, I'm usually calmer and better able to deal with whatever challenges remain. And, looking out on a beautiful, brightly colored, and vibrantly alive garden always brightens my mood.

The form it takes doesn't matter.  What matters is that you do something that is solely for you. Join a bowling league, yank weeds out of the garden, join a book club, go to church, or take a class.  Soak in the tub once a week, amidst bubbles and good smelling bath salts.  Find something that appeals to you, that nourishes you, and protect that time as vigorously as you protect the one you care for.

How do you nourish yourself? I'd love to see your responses in the comments below -- you might give someone else an idea that they can use!  

The Value of Ritual

"The human soul can always use a new tradition.  Sometimes we require them."  - Pat Conroy, The Lords of Discipline

There is something special, calming, and centering about repeating a practice until it becomes integral to who we are.  Then, the specific steps stop being the focus and we can concentrate on the outcome, the reason for the practice. My rituals are common place, but they center me and connect me to those I love.  My morning coffee allows me to focus on myself and prepare for the day ahead, while my nighttime routine builds unbreakable bonds with my children.

I've tucked my daughters in every night since they were babies.  When they were younger, the routine included telling a story, singing songs, and lying in bed together talking about whatever was on their minds. No matter how long my day at work was, this time was sacred.  Today, my teenage daughter and I simply exchange "Good night!" before she heads to bed. That saying is filled, however, with memories of the earlier ritual, and the unbreakable bond built during those times.

Over the years, I've come to understand that taking time for these - and other - rituals isn't selfish and doesn't mean that I'm neglecting others.  The practices that I integrated into the core of my being made me a stronger and better caregiver, mother, daughter and wife.  What rituals do you follow? 

The Joy of Writing

Refinery29 is the largest independent fashion and style website in the US, with more than one billion page views and 30 million unique visitors a year. If anyone had transitioned to an all digital universe, it should be the editors who spend their day writing and posting content to the web.

Letterpress notecards by Simple Ink 

Imagine my surprise when I read that Annie Georgia Greenberg, a style editor at Refinery29 sends handwritten notes after each interview.  She says that she invests in stationery that reflects her personality, and that hers is always a little quirky.  Mine tend more toward classic with a twist.

A handwritten note, even if it's on a piece of lined notebook paper, creates a connection between the writer and recipient. There's something about putting ink to paper and sending the envelope off that is more gratifying than simply hitting 'send.'

Even more importantly, the recipient gets the joy of opening that letter and reading the words that you wrote. And I believe that a greater connection is made. Yes, an email is more immediate, but a letter lasts forever.  One of my most prized possessions are letters written to her mother by my grandmother, an Army nurse serving in France during WWI. They are short, to the point, and the ink is fading. I can't imagine that an email written today will survive a hundred years.

It Is In Me

Laura Gallagher Art

“What I'm looking for is not out there, it is in me.” 
― Helen Keller

If we don't value ourselves, and don't demonstrate that by taking care of our own needs, we can't really live to our full potential.

Imagine trying to develop a friendship with someone who only has time for you after all their other work is done, when they are exhausted, and who feels guilty about the few minutes that they spend focused on you.  It's not a very satisfying idea, is it?  

Dedicating time and energy to self-discovery and to taking care of ourselves - physically, mentally, and spiritually - allows us to know where our strengths lie, what our weaknesses are, and to make purposeful decisions in line with our values and beliefs.   My morning routine includes coffee and a few minutes of quiet.  This time allows me to prepare for the day ahead.  I've learned that without it, I feel less grounded and less able to cope with whatever crisis erupts during the day.  What do you do to take care of yourself?  

It's Easy.

Photo Credit: Olena Ishchuk

Six months after his first heart attack, my husband learned there was no permanent damage to the muscle and that he could resume a fairly unrestricted life.  It was great news, and relieved both of us.  Then, Ed asked what he should do now.  

I've always remembered Dr. Collison's words:  "You live."  

A Kate Spade Kind of Life

I don't normally fall for things like this.... designer bags, shoes, or anything else that has a "label."  It's just not my style. I tend toward basic, neutral, and classic styles that last for years.  But then, a few years ago, I found this Kate Spade bag, which I blame completely on my teenage daughter, who really, really wanted a specific cell phone case (and who really doesn’t ask for much).

The Moroccan Green Florence bag became an obsession. I'd sneak a look at night before turning in. I tracked its sale price, just to see how low it would go. I rationalized. I asked friends to help me justify the splurge (they were amazingly helpful, by the way.) For a full two days, when it was a miraculous 45% off plus free shipping, I was ready to buy. 

I envisioned myself carrying my bag as I walked into the office, a fancy boutique, or the grocery store wearing ensembles that would make all the "Seen on the Street" fashion pages. I'd get to work on time.  The house would be spotless, and nutritious, tasty meals would be on the table for a family dinner each night.   

And that’s when it hit me. Even if the price was ridiculously low for a Kate Spade bag, even if it was exactly the right size and in a color I loved, it wouldn't do what I was really hoping it would.  My obsession with the bag reflected my need for order in the midst of chaos.  

My husband had been in the hospital - Intensive Care, actually - for three months and had contracted yet another infection. My daughters felt my fear and added it to their normal preteen and teen stresses. A major deadline on a “this can’t fail” project loomed at work. My insomnia was in overdrive and caffeine and takeout dinners had become major parts of my diet.

I finally admitted that I was overwhelmed. And no bag was going to fix that. Miraculously, my craving vanished into thin air.  I put effort into those things that I could control, like making sure I got enough sleep and accepting offers from good friends who volunteered to make us dinners on a regular basis. The ability to distinguish what I can control has made a world of difference in how well I navigate the craziness in my life.  

P.S.  I found a well-made bag in a go-with-everything color at a non-splurge price that has served me well. It hasn't changed my life, but I’m no longer  expecting it too.