What's the Right Way to Care?

Part of caring for others is to know when to be soft and when to be tough.  Knowing which way to lean is never easy, and I'll be the first to admit I've gotten it wrong many, many times.

Photo Credit:  Mamma Mia

As my daughters dealt with their dad's illness and grieved his death, I was a pushover.  I was lenient when they wanted to stay home from school because they were just sad, or not feeling well and just needed some parental love.  There were complicating factors with each of my daughters that made it easy to rationalize.  Working from home also made it easier for me to say yes to their needs (ok...wants).  

Looking back, having them around to snuggle with and take care of helped me through my grieving too.  It felt good, and it was a nice change to have something that I could fix with chicken noodle soup, some hugs and a favorite DVD. We were a team, all for one and one for all.

Now it's time to get tough.  Some (school administrators, for example), pushed me to get tough earlier.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't - it just didn't feel right.

But now I can.  It's not been easy, but the first step is always the hardest.  The rule this year is that if they aren't bleeding profusely, vomiting, or have a 103 degree fever, they are going to school and doing their homework. And participating in outside events.  We made it through three weeks of school without too much trouble.  But this week, my oldest, a high school senior, has a three day camping trip with her class where they'll go white water rafting, bond, and discuss their plans for their last year at school. 

Even that short period away has caused both girls anxiety.  The fear that something bad will happen to another loved one is common for those who have experienced serious illness or death. My job now is to be the tough mom, to remind them of their strength and their responsibilities.  To tell them that with each step it will be a little easier for them.  And a little easier for me.  

Knowing when to be soft and when to be tough is hard.  Each person, each situation is different. To quote Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do."  Sometimes, you'll get it wrong.  But more often, you'll get it right.