Focusing on Our Strengths

If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I was in a deep funk for the last few weeks.  My thoughts were about all the things, big and little, that weren't going the way I wanted them to. Let's just say I wasn't much fun to be around!  It's no wonder my kids decided to spend most of their time in their rooms.

Finally, I broke out of my funk and reminded myself that concentrating on what was wrong was about as productive as wishing the coffee would make itself. When I started focusing on what was right with my world - how good things really are for me - it was easy to find things to add to the list.

A favorite book when I was a manager (and management consultant) was First, Break all the Rules by Marcus Buckingham, a manager at the Gallup company.  In it, he details what he found reviewing 80,000 surveys. There were 12 key rules that great managers live by.  The one that has stuck with me is "Focus on Strengths."  So many times, our children's report cards are filled with "To improve, Johnny needs to....."  At work, our performance reports or appraisals always include a section of development actions to take us to the next level. What Buckingham found is that the managers who focused on the building up the strengths of their employees ended up with happier, more productive employees and better performing organizations.

That doesn't mean that they ignored areas that needed improvement.  Remember the 80/20 rule? Instead of spending 80 percent of the resources to 'fix' the 20 percent that was a problem, they focused the majority of their attention on making their employee's strengths even stronger.

How does a management book apply to getting me out of my funk, and more importantly, caring for myself?  When I started listing what was right in my world, I included what I was good at, and what I had at my disposal to make my dreams a reality.  I focused on my strengths.

Part of caring for ourselves includes taking that time to ensure we recognize our strengths, to recognize that no matter what else is happening in our worlds that we have a strong core to rely on.  We're all different, we all have a different set of strengths.  What are yours?  Take a few minutes to really think them through. I guarantee you'll feel better, and you'll see how good things really are.  

It Didn't Hurt a Bit: My Acupuncture Experience

After four rounds of chemotherapy, the fatigue and neuropathy, which for me translated into tingly and numb fingertips and bone pain in my knees and shins, were constant and persistent.  The bone pain kept me up at night, all night, while the fatigue made everything much harder to accomplish.  For the record, let me say that I'm not the most patient patient.  I want to be better NOW.

I began to tire of the fog that came with the drugs that took the edge off the pain.  I asked my oncologist for suggestions.  In addition to saying that it just takes time, he said that I might want to consider acupuncture, which had shown better results than medication in relieving bone pain.

Oh, crap, I thought. A good friend swore by acupuncture and had been encouraging me to try it.  I kept putting her off, telling her that I didn't really like the idea of needles stuck into my body.   Especially after the IVs and blood tests I had been through, I wanted to be done with needles for a while.

I had done some research and had heard from others about the effectiveness of acupuncture, I was still leery. However, that my oncologist is someone who is driven by data rather than touchy-feely mumbo jumbo pushed me over the edge.  I called my friend and she made a joint appointment at a local facility, knowing that I might back out if left on my own.

The facility reminded me of a spa, only instead of massage tables in individual rooms, there was a large room with a half dozen oversized recliners.  Music played softly, just covering the sounds of the air conditioner.  Three of the chairs were occupied by napping women covered with light blankets. After filling out the standard forms and discussing my issues with Mina, who is a Registered Nurse as well as a Licensed Acupuncturist, I took my place in one of the chairs and tried to relax.

Mina placed a dozen needles - and I only felt a zing from one of them.  Having stepped on or impaled myself with a good number of quilting needles, I expected worse.  Almost immediately, I felt a weight in my torso.  I didn't drift off to sleep, but came close a few times. It wasn't so bad. After about 45 minutes, she removed the needles and the session was over.  Because my fingers were bothering me the most, that's the area she focused on.  Over the next day or two, I noticed that the tingling and numbness in my fingers had decreased by about 40%.  However, the leg pain and fatigue was just as bad if not worse.  So I went back for a second round.

This time, Mina used about 20 needles and focused on my leg pain, placing them in my arms as well as my feet.  The session was longer, about an hour, and I came close to falling asleep this time. Maybe I nodded off for a few minutes.  When it was finished, I felt lighter somehow, and had even less tingly-ness in my fingers -- probably down to about 20%.  Two days later, I'm still more fatigued than I'd like, but my leg pain is less severe.  Mina recommended two or three treatments for the first few weeks, followed by weekly treatments, and a reassessment about a month later.  I think I'm going to stick with her plan.

More information about Acupuncture

I visited Annapolis Community Acupuncture, owned by Mina Johns.  Annapolis Community Acupuncture a member of the The People's Organization of Community Acupuncture, whose mission is to make group acupuncture accessible and affordable.  I appreciate their payment scale that leaves the fee up to the client -- in Annapolis, MD the lowest fee is $15 per session, making it affordable for almost everyone.  If you want to read some studies on the effectiveness of acupuncture, this is a good place to start:  NIH Study on Acupuncture.

What Does Being Happy Have To Do With It?

This morning, a friend posted a Business Insider article that highlighted choices that the happiest people make.  Since I've been in a really deep, not fit for public consumption funk the last few days, I decided to take a look.  Each item has been on some "How to be ____!" list many times before. That didn't really surprise me - the fundamentals are the fundamentals for a reason.  But when I thought about it in terms of this blog, I did see something new.

Of the seven items on the list, the three internally focused items all contribute to long term health. And, they are worded almost passively: exercise, get outdoors, and get enough sleep.

The externally focused items use strong, active verbs that would make any English teacher proud: make time for friends, focus on family, contribute to community, find meaning in work.  Perhaps even more importantly, what they all have in common is a need to actively build connections with others.  And isn't that what caring is all about?


Business Insider, May 28, 2014, 7 Choices Happy People Make Every Day

New York Times, Dec 15, 2013. A Formula for Happiness  (The Business Insider article refers to studies, which are discussed in this article, an op-ed piece. The op-ed piece makes some assessments about the meaning of the data that makes clear the author's political biases clear.  I include the link data-based claims should be referenced, not because of the content of the article.)

Another Kind of Therapy

Last weekend, as my youngest daughter and I spent a few hours in the garden, I remembered how much I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my back, the fragrance of the soil, and the feeling of accomplishment when we finished planting the bright flowers (and saw the pile of weeds we had pulled).  For me, gardening is as much about the ritual as the result. There is something cathartic about pulling weeds and clearing away the dead in preparation for new growth.  I began gardening as a hobby, but during my times as a caregiver for family members, I discovered the importance of carving out time for something that sustained me and gave me pleasure.  

Photo Credit: www.nabw.com

Like most of life's lessons, I learned it the hard way.  During my mother's last months, there was so much to do and our time was so limited that it seemed selfish for me to take a break from her care. I considered any time spent away a luxury that I just couldn't afford. I didn't sleep well, I ate poorly, and winter in Northern Ohio doesn't lend itself to outdoor activities.  By the time I returned home, I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was also completely unable to understand how some people found the strength to serve as a caregiver for years.  

Then, I remembered one of the stories my mother told. This one was about my uncle, who cared for his paraplegic wife for many, many years. Each week, he played tennis, and like most caregivers considered giving it up since he felt guilty about his "selfish" habit.  Luckily, someone - a good friend, or maybe a therapist - intervened and convinced him how necessary this time was for his own well being.  I can only imagine how great whacking a tennis ball must have felt.  

My mother, who faced challenges I didn't understand until I was a wife and mother, was lucky enough to have a best friend as a next door neighbor.  Several times a week, they would visit over coffee, sometimes for just a quick cup but sometimes for hours.  Their conversations were almost always light hearted and full of laughter.  Looking back, I realize that this was their way of coping with the life before them.  Knowing that they had a comrade in arms is what got them through.  

As we gardened, my daughter and I talked about how good it felt to yank roots out of the ground, and how I imagined every weed was a problem I faced or something I was angry about.  While my back is usually pretty sore afterwards, I'm usually calmer and better able to deal with whatever challenges remain. And, looking out on a beautiful, brightly colored, and vibrantly alive garden always brightens my mood.

The form it takes doesn't matter.  What matters is that you do something that is solely for you. Join a bowling league, yank weeds out of the garden, join a book club, go to church, or take a class.  Soak in the tub once a week, amidst bubbles and good smelling bath salts.  Find something that appeals to you, that nourishes you, and protect that time as vigorously as you protect the one you care for.

How do you nourish yourself? I'd love to see your responses in the comments below -- you might give someone else an idea that they can use!  

The Value of Ritual

"The human soul can always use a new tradition.  Sometimes we require them."  - Pat Conroy, The Lords of Discipline

There is something special, calming, and centering about repeating a practice until it becomes integral to who we are.  Then, the specific steps stop being the focus and we can concentrate on the outcome, the reason for the practice. My rituals are common place, but they center me and connect me to those I love.  My morning coffee allows me to focus on myself and prepare for the day ahead, while my nighttime routine builds unbreakable bonds with my children.

I've tucked my daughters in every night since they were babies.  When they were younger, the routine included telling a story, singing songs, and lying in bed together talking about whatever was on their minds. No matter how long my day at work was, this time was sacred.  Today, my teenage daughter and I simply exchange "Good night!" before she heads to bed. That saying is filled, however, with memories of the earlier ritual, and the unbreakable bond built during those times.

Over the years, I've come to understand that taking time for these - and other - rituals isn't selfish and doesn't mean that I'm neglecting others.  The practices that I integrated into the core of my being made me a stronger and better caregiver, mother, daughter and wife.  What rituals do you follow? 

It Is In Me

Laura Gallagher Art

“What I'm looking for is not out there, it is in me.” 
― Helen Keller

If we don't value ourselves, and don't demonstrate that by taking care of our own needs, we can't really live to our full potential.

Imagine trying to develop a friendship with someone who only has time for you after all their other work is done, when they are exhausted, and who feels guilty about the few minutes that they spend focused on you.  It's not a very satisfying idea, is it?  

Dedicating time and energy to self-discovery and to taking care of ourselves - physically, mentally, and spiritually - allows us to know where our strengths lie, what our weaknesses are, and to make purposeful decisions in line with our values and beliefs.   My morning routine includes coffee and a few minutes of quiet.  This time allows me to prepare for the day ahead.  I've learned that without it, I feel less grounded and less able to cope with whatever crisis erupts during the day.  What do you do to take care of yourself?