The Most Beautiful People

Image Credit:  Caregiving.com

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross originated the concept of the Five Stages of Grief, but she contributed so much more to western society.  She was also a pioneer of hospice, and considered dying just one more stage of life.  In fact, while she's often referenced for her work on death, dying, and grieving, she referred to herself most often as the "life and living lady."   

To find out more about Dr. Kubler-Ross, find resources for those who are aging or nearing their end of life, visit her foundation's website. In addition to a great deal of helpful information, the website also includes other resources for those in need.

With Great Power Comes Great Optimism

Years ago, I was in a seminar on personal power. While the speaker (who is long forgotten) was focused on power within an organization, the lessons apply to every aspect of life. His main point was that power comes from having options. If we can see options, we can gain power because we become active players, taking some measure of control over our lives and our future.

This Joan Rivers* quote is a different way of making the same point.  Those of us old enough to have watched Joan pre-Fashion Police know that her life had its share of ups and downs.  What kept her going was her ability to take control over her life.  Even after a horrific year (her husband committed suicide, her TV show was cancelled, and a feud with Johnny Carson resulted in no one willing to hire her), she pulled herself together and moved forward. 
 
I believe her greatest power came not from her ability to see options but from her ability to create new options when she didn't like the ones she saw. And that gave Joan optimism about the future. Knowing that she had the power to make her own door let her live life on her own terms. 

As a caregiver (or parent, employee, or fill-in-the-blank), there were many days when the doors in front of me were depressing, locked, or too scary to go through.  I wish I could say that I created my own door before it was the last resort, but I can't.  I often felt powerless to do anything but be swept along in the current, hoping that whatever was happening would end soon and we'd return to whatever the last version of "normal" was.

It's only been in the last year or two that I've truly realized that living according to someone else's priorities just isn't what I want to do, or the lesson that I want to teach my children. All of a sudden, that door that was too scary now seems like the best and only real option.  I may not know what the "something terrific" will be, but knowing that I'm creating it, that I'm actively choosing that option, gives me great power and great optimism.  And that's not half bad.

*The quote is from Joan Rivers' 1992 book Still Talking.

What's the Right Way to Care?

Part of caring for others is to know when to be soft and when to be tough.  Knowing which way to lean is never easy, and I'll be the first to admit I've gotten it wrong many, many times.

Photo Credit:  Mamma Mia

As my daughters dealt with their dad's illness and grieved his death, I was a pushover.  I was lenient when they wanted to stay home from school because they were just sad, or not feeling well and just needed some parental love.  There were complicating factors with each of my daughters that made it easy to rationalize.  Working from home also made it easier for me to say yes to their needs (ok...wants).  

Looking back, having them around to snuggle with and take care of helped me through my grieving too.  It felt good, and it was a nice change to have something that I could fix with chicken noodle soup, some hugs and a favorite DVD. We were a team, all for one and one for all.

Now it's time to get tough.  Some (school administrators, for example), pushed me to get tough earlier.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't - it just didn't feel right.

But now I can.  It's not been easy, but the first step is always the hardest.  The rule this year is that if they aren't bleeding profusely, vomiting, or have a 103 degree fever, they are going to school and doing their homework. And participating in outside events.  We made it through three weeks of school without too much trouble.  But this week, my oldest, a high school senior, has a three day camping trip with her class where they'll go white water rafting, bond, and discuss their plans for their last year at school. 

Even that short period away has caused both girls anxiety.  The fear that something bad will happen to another loved one is common for those who have experienced serious illness or death. My job now is to be the tough mom, to remind them of their strength and their responsibilities.  To tell them that with each step it will be a little easier for them.  And a little easier for me.  

Knowing when to be soft and when to be tough is hard.  Each person, each situation is different. To quote Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do."  Sometimes, you'll get it wrong.  But more often, you'll get it right. 

Ceremony and Celebration

The invitations for the last celebrations I've gone to or hosted were sent via Evite, email, or a Facebook event.  I can't remember the last time the mail carrier brought a formal invitation to the house. Not that I'm complaining! The procrastinator in me loves the ability to get it done with a push of a button, and I especially appreciate the automatic, electronic reminders of upcoming events.

Gratitude Letterpress Notecards

Between technology and an increasingly informal culture, many of the traditional markers of ceremony have fallen to the wayside.  However, I believe that ceremony remains an integral and important part of our lives. I'd even argue that today's smaller, more informal ceremonies are more meaningful than the spectacular but infrequent celebrations of the past.

Wikipedia describes ceremonies as events of ritual significance.  There is something to be said for incorporating even informal ceremony into our everyday lives. To my mind, ceremony is really about cementing a bond between two or more people, or a bond with a higher power.

To celebrate the end of my chemotherapy treatments, a group of friends and I joined for dinner at a local restaurant.  It was an evening of laughter, great food and drinks, better conversation, and a reconnection with some friends I hadn't seen in a while.  There's a reason that breaking bread together is an integral part of many ceremonies.  For the younger crowd (and some adults), friendship bracelets have become a popular way to show support for someone who is struggling, and to serve as a constant reminder of that bond, even when you are apart.

Friendship Bracelets

One of the most loving ceremonies I've ever witnessed happened when my husband was in the hospital near the end of his life and when he was unable to care for himself. He always clipped his fingernails very short, but with all his other needs, this was one task that just didn't get done.  My oldest daughter noticed, and without saying a word, brought her manicure kit on the next visit.  She spent close to an hour working on his hands and feet, lovingly getting them back to the condition that he preferred, strengthening the bond between them in a way she will never forget, and making him feel just a little more human and a lot more loved.  If there could be a modern version of the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet, I think this might be it.

And, really, isn't that what caring is all about -- demonstrating to someone that there is a special bond? That they are not alone; that someone is in the fight with them?

Handbuilt Daisy Mug

When I use one of my favorite coffee mugs -- whether it's the tackiest, most touristy one my mom could find during her visit soon after I moved to Washington DC or one of the set given to me 27 years ago by my maid-of-honor -- I remember both the person and the event.  These rituals are insignificant compared to some, but they connect me to my late mother and to a friend I haven't seen in years.  With every use, I strengthen those bonds and celebrate those relationships.

I'd love to hear what little ceremonies or celebrations you've incorporated into your life.  How do you recognize the bonds between yourself and others?

P.S.  The images I've used are of products that will be for sale at www.Boheez.com when the store opens (very shortly). Stay tuned for a special pre-opening Sneak Peek Sale where you'll be able to get some great gifts for yourselves and others at a fantastic price.  And remember, the holiday season isn't all that far away!

What Does Being Happy Have To Do With It?

This morning, a friend posted a Business Insider article that highlighted choices that the happiest people make.  Since I've been in a really deep, not fit for public consumption funk the last few days, I decided to take a look.  Each item has been on some "How to be ____!" list many times before. That didn't really surprise me - the fundamentals are the fundamentals for a reason.  But when I thought about it in terms of this blog, I did see something new.

Of the seven items on the list, the three internally focused items all contribute to long term health. And, they are worded almost passively: exercise, get outdoors, and get enough sleep.

The externally focused items use strong, active verbs that would make any English teacher proud: make time for friends, focus on family, contribute to community, find meaning in work.  Perhaps even more importantly, what they all have in common is a need to actively build connections with others.  And isn't that what caring is all about?


Business Insider, May 28, 2014, 7 Choices Happy People Make Every Day

New York Times, Dec 15, 2013. A Formula for Happiness  (The Business Insider article refers to studies, which are discussed in this article, an op-ed piece. The op-ed piece makes some assessments about the meaning of the data that makes clear the author's political biases clear.  I include the link data-based claims should be referenced, not because of the content of the article.)

From the Heart

On the front door tonight!

After I got home from a very long and pretty stressful day, this PostIt was on the front door. It took all of 5 seconds to create, but it brightened my day, and made me feel awesome. I walked inside and also got a big hug from my oldest daughter.  

Then I went through my normal routine. Imagine my delight as I discovered a half dozen PostIts scattered around the house. Each one highlighted something specific that she treasures about our relationship.  My heart is still bursting with joy.  I'll be saving each of them for years, and will be pulling them out every time I need a little boost.   

My heart filled with joy!

It was a wonderful reminder that showing appreciation doesn't need to be big or grand or even store bought. Advice books of all sorts - from parenting, to management, to couples and community relationships - include this message: honest, authentic, specific, and relevant statements like the ones I found tonight do more to strengthen feelings than almost any other action one can take. 

Do you have a caregiver or friend that could benefit from this idea?  I guarantee you will brighten someone's day!

Another Kind of Therapy

Last weekend, as my youngest daughter and I spent a few hours in the garden, I remembered how much I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my back, the fragrance of the soil, and the feeling of accomplishment when we finished planting the bright flowers (and saw the pile of weeds we had pulled).  For me, gardening is as much about the ritual as the result. There is something cathartic about pulling weeds and clearing away the dead in preparation for new growth.  I began gardening as a hobby, but during my times as a caregiver for family members, I discovered the importance of carving out time for something that sustained me and gave me pleasure.  

Photo Credit: www.nabw.com

Like most of life's lessons, I learned it the hard way.  During my mother's last months, there was so much to do and our time was so limited that it seemed selfish for me to take a break from her care. I considered any time spent away a luxury that I just couldn't afford. I didn't sleep well, I ate poorly, and winter in Northern Ohio doesn't lend itself to outdoor activities.  By the time I returned home, I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was also completely unable to understand how some people found the strength to serve as a caregiver for years.  

Then, I remembered one of the stories my mother told. This one was about my uncle, who cared for his paraplegic wife for many, many years. Each week, he played tennis, and like most caregivers considered giving it up since he felt guilty about his "selfish" habit.  Luckily, someone - a good friend, or maybe a therapist - intervened and convinced him how necessary this time was for his own well being.  I can only imagine how great whacking a tennis ball must have felt.  

My mother, who faced challenges I didn't understand until I was a wife and mother, was lucky enough to have a best friend as a next door neighbor.  Several times a week, they would visit over coffee, sometimes for just a quick cup but sometimes for hours.  Their conversations were almost always light hearted and full of laughter.  Looking back, I realize that this was their way of coping with the life before them.  Knowing that they had a comrade in arms is what got them through.  

As we gardened, my daughter and I talked about how good it felt to yank roots out of the ground, and how I imagined every weed was a problem I faced or something I was angry about.  While my back is usually pretty sore afterwards, I'm usually calmer and better able to deal with whatever challenges remain. And, looking out on a beautiful, brightly colored, and vibrantly alive garden always brightens my mood.

The form it takes doesn't matter.  What matters is that you do something that is solely for you. Join a bowling league, yank weeds out of the garden, join a book club, go to church, or take a class.  Soak in the tub once a week, amidst bubbles and good smelling bath salts.  Find something that appeals to you, that nourishes you, and protect that time as vigorously as you protect the one you care for.

How do you nourish yourself? I'd love to see your responses in the comments below -- you might give someone else an idea that they can use!  

The Value of Ritual

"The human soul can always use a new tradition.  Sometimes we require them."  - Pat Conroy, The Lords of Discipline

There is something special, calming, and centering about repeating a practice until it becomes integral to who we are.  Then, the specific steps stop being the focus and we can concentrate on the outcome, the reason for the practice. My rituals are common place, but they center me and connect me to those I love.  My morning coffee allows me to focus on myself and prepare for the day ahead, while my nighttime routine builds unbreakable bonds with my children.

I've tucked my daughters in every night since they were babies.  When they were younger, the routine included telling a story, singing songs, and lying in bed together talking about whatever was on their minds. No matter how long my day at work was, this time was sacred.  Today, my teenage daughter and I simply exchange "Good night!" before she heads to bed. That saying is filled, however, with memories of the earlier ritual, and the unbreakable bond built during those times.

Over the years, I've come to understand that taking time for these - and other - rituals isn't selfish and doesn't mean that I'm neglecting others.  The practices that I integrated into the core of my being made me a stronger and better caregiver, mother, daughter and wife.  What rituals do you follow? 

A Kate Spade Kind of Life

I don't normally fall for things like this.... designer bags, shoes, or anything else that has a "label."  It's just not my style. I tend toward basic, neutral, and classic styles that last for years.  But then, a few years ago, I found this Kate Spade bag, which I blame completely on my teenage daughter, who really, really wanted a specific cell phone case (and who really doesn’t ask for much).

The Moroccan Green Florence bag became an obsession. I'd sneak a look at night before turning in. I tracked its sale price, just to see how low it would go. I rationalized. I asked friends to help me justify the splurge (they were amazingly helpful, by the way.) For a full two days, when it was a miraculous 45% off plus free shipping, I was ready to buy. 

I envisioned myself carrying my bag as I walked into the office, a fancy boutique, or the grocery store wearing ensembles that would make all the "Seen on the Street" fashion pages. I'd get to work on time.  The house would be spotless, and nutritious, tasty meals would be on the table for a family dinner each night.   

And that’s when it hit me. Even if the price was ridiculously low for a Kate Spade bag, even if it was exactly the right size and in a color I loved, it wouldn't do what I was really hoping it would.  My obsession with the bag reflected my need for order in the midst of chaos.  

My husband had been in the hospital - Intensive Care, actually - for three months and had contracted yet another infection. My daughters felt my fear and added it to their normal preteen and teen stresses. A major deadline on a “this can’t fail” project loomed at work. My insomnia was in overdrive and caffeine and takeout dinners had become major parts of my diet.

I finally admitted that I was overwhelmed. And no bag was going to fix that. Miraculously, my craving vanished into thin air.  I put effort into those things that I could control, like making sure I got enough sleep and accepting offers from good friends who volunteered to make us dinners on a regular basis. The ability to distinguish what I can control has made a world of difference in how well I navigate the craziness in my life.  

P.S.  I found a well-made bag in a go-with-everything color at a non-splurge price that has served me well. It hasn't changed my life, but I’m no longer  expecting it too.