Trust Your Heart

From a Facebook page that I follow (and website I've relied on).  I'm in the midst of writing a post related to this.  Coincidence?  

Image Credit:  www.caregiving.com

What Difference Can Five Dollars Make?

Patiss Watch $148

This October, in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, TOKYObay is donating five dollars from each sale of its pink watches to thepinkfund.org.  Thepinkfund.org is an organization that provides non-medical financial aid to cover basic living expenses while patients undergo breast cancer treatment.  Now through the end of October, Boheez is also donating five dollars per pink watch, with our five dollars going to the Infusion Center at the DeCesaris Cancer Institute, part of the Anne Arundel Medical Center.

Gaucho Watch $100

At first, it doesn't seem like much. Five dollars a watch?  How big of a difference can that really make?  For a good sized, wholesale company that does business internationally, five dollars times each pink watch can add up pretty quickly. But even a (very) small company like Boheez can make a visible difference.  Let me tell you how.

I spent some time last summer at the Infusion Center hooked up to an IV for my own chemotherapy treatments.  In addition to the top notch medical care, volunteers wandered the floor checking in on patients and offering conversation, moral support, and snacks and beverages. One of the volunteers mentioned that the snack cabinet used to include peanut butter crackers in addition to graham crackers and saltines.  The peanut butter crackers were prized because they had at least a little protein (something that chemo patients need more of in their diet) and a lot more flavor than the other crackers. 

Bean Watch $80

Budget cuts, however, led to the elimination of peanut butter crackers. It didn't have a huge impact, it didn't change the course of anyone's treatment. But it did make difference to those of us lying in those chairs.  My chemo buddy, Debra, who accompanied me to most of my day-long treatments, brought a box or two of crackers to our remaining visits.  You'd think it was Christmas morning the way they were received.  

Boheez likely won't sell enough pink watches during October to make a huge dent in breast cancer treatment and support, but I bet we can sell enough to keep the Infusion Center stocked with peanut butter crackers and brighten a pretty icky day for those spending time at the Infusion Center.

P.S.  If you click on any of the images, you'll go straight to that watch on the Boheez site.  

Artist Profile -- Todd Parr, Children's Author

One of my favorite authors, who I wish was around when I was a kid, is Todd Parr.  I almost think of him as a modern-day Dr. Seuss, whose books for children hold just as much joy for adults.  The publisher notes say that his books are intended for 3-6 year olds, but I find that much too limiting. Younger children understand the concepts of love, kindness, and feeling good, while older kids can use the books as the starting points for more mature discussions.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd uses bright colors and humor in his books about a wide range of topics, from talking about love, to the various shapes and sizes that families come in, being scared, and finding joy in being who we are, no matter how different we may seem.  

It says something about Todd that his bio includes his favorite color (blue) and his favorite food (mac & cheese) along with a photo of himself and his beloved dogs.  Before he tells readers that he's the author of close to 40 books and creates short films for Sesame Street, he points out that he likes to paint and draw but failed art class.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd's books have won a whole host of awards, including Reader's Choice awards, the National Parenting Publications Award, and Scholastic's Parent & Child Magazine's Teacher's Picks.  He's also been on the NY Times best selling author list. On his website, he also offers an 8-page guide for parents and teachers filled with ideas and activities to use with several of his best-selling books.

Here at Boheez, we carry (mostly) the hardcopy versions of Todd's books because we believe they hold up better to the frequent page turning and passing on that happens to favorite reads.  We also think that a hardcover book just makes a more thoughtful gift -- and that's what we're all about.  

 

With Great Power Comes Great Optimism

Years ago, I was in a seminar on personal power. While the speaker (who is long forgotten) was focused on power within an organization, the lessons apply to every aspect of life. His main point was that power comes from having options. If we can see options, we can gain power because we become active players, taking some measure of control over our lives and our future.

This Joan Rivers* quote is a different way of making the same point.  Those of us old enough to have watched Joan pre-Fashion Police know that her life had its share of ups and downs.  What kept her going was her ability to take control over her life.  Even after a horrific year (her husband committed suicide, her TV show was cancelled, and a feud with Johnny Carson resulted in no one willing to hire her), she pulled herself together and moved forward. 
 
I believe her greatest power came not from her ability to see options but from her ability to create new options when she didn't like the ones she saw. And that gave Joan optimism about the future. Knowing that she had the power to make her own door let her live life on her own terms. 

As a caregiver (or parent, employee, or fill-in-the-blank), there were many days when the doors in front of me were depressing, locked, or too scary to go through.  I wish I could say that I created my own door before it was the last resort, but I can't.  I often felt powerless to do anything but be swept along in the current, hoping that whatever was happening would end soon and we'd return to whatever the last version of "normal" was.

It's only been in the last year or two that I've truly realized that living according to someone else's priorities just isn't what I want to do, or the lesson that I want to teach my children. All of a sudden, that door that was too scary now seems like the best and only real option.  I may not know what the "something terrific" will be, but knowing that I'm creating it, that I'm actively choosing that option, gives me great power and great optimism.  And that's not half bad.

*The quote is from Joan Rivers' 1992 book Still Talking.

Isn't This The Truth?

This graphic, originally found here, is by Julia Gamolina.  It fits all aspects of my life perfectly, from career to kids to marriage and everything in between. What about you?  How have your life plans turned out?

Coincidence?

Yesterday, just as I posted the blog about tough vs. soft forms of love, a friend posted this to Facebook and noted that he probably didn't say them enough.  I think everybody needs to hear these phrases.  I spent a long time emphasizing numbers 1 and 5, but have added 2, 6, and 7. (Don't feel too badly about numbers 3 and 4.  They're in there too!)

What do you think about this list?  Is there anything missing?  

What's the Right Way to Care?

Part of caring for others is to know when to be soft and when to be tough.  Knowing which way to lean is never easy, and I'll be the first to admit I've gotten it wrong many, many times.

Photo Credit:  Mamma Mia

As my daughters dealt with their dad's illness and grieved his death, I was a pushover.  I was lenient when they wanted to stay home from school because they were just sad, or not feeling well and just needed some parental love.  There were complicating factors with each of my daughters that made it easy to rationalize.  Working from home also made it easier for me to say yes to their needs (ok...wants).  

Looking back, having them around to snuggle with and take care of helped me through my grieving too.  It felt good, and it was a nice change to have something that I could fix with chicken noodle soup, some hugs and a favorite DVD. We were a team, all for one and one for all.

Now it's time to get tough.  Some (school administrators, for example), pushed me to get tough earlier.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't - it just didn't feel right.

But now I can.  It's not been easy, but the first step is always the hardest.  The rule this year is that if they aren't bleeding profusely, vomiting, or have a 103 degree fever, they are going to school and doing their homework. And participating in outside events.  We made it through three weeks of school without too much trouble.  But this week, my oldest, a high school senior, has a three day camping trip with her class where they'll go white water rafting, bond, and discuss their plans for their last year at school. 

Even that short period away has caused both girls anxiety.  The fear that something bad will happen to another loved one is common for those who have experienced serious illness or death. My job now is to be the tough mom, to remind them of their strength and their responsibilities.  To tell them that with each step it will be a little easier for them.  And a little easier for me.  

Knowing when to be soft and when to be tough is hard.  Each person, each situation is different. To quote Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do."  Sometimes, you'll get it wrong.  But more often, you'll get it right. 

A Double Burden

Just one month ago, Robin Williams' death shocked the world and brought mental health and depression to the forefront. The nightly news and the internet was filled with conversation about depression and suicide.  I was struck by the range of beliefs concerning suicide, and the ingrained reactions that belied a lack of knowledge about the topic.  Normally, it's a topic avoided even more than politics and religion.  At least for a few short weeks, there were some fairly candid discussions, and I hope, some learning done.

I've seen and dealt with my share of depression.  A January 2013 newspaper article reported that large-scale studies suggest between 10 and 70 percent of suicides are linked to chronic illness or unrelenting pain.  That statistic didn't surprise me at all, and my guess is the true number is closer to 70 percent than 10.

As caregivers, our burden is double.  We have to be aware of and able to talk about our own mental health as well as that of those we care for.  Watching someone you love in mental pain is hard, very hard.  For me, it was worse than dealing with almost any other aspect of my husband's illness.  There were many days when I know he thought about ending his life - because he told me and we talked it through.  He was tired of the never ending pain, the growing weakness, the constant threat of choking, of falling, of another heart attack, of what he could no longer do.  One of his greatest concerns was the weight he was placing on his family -- on me and our two daughters.  Many days that bothered him more than the physical aspects of his illnesses.

My reaction was to hide my feelings as best as possible as often as possible; to tell him we were all in this together, that I was saddened too, but that we would make it through and that the vow "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" was sacred.  In the end, he was stronger than his depression, but not stronger than his other diseases.   After his death, I turned my focus to my daughters and their grief.  In hindsight, it was only this summer, nearly two years later, that I announced I was putting my health first and did so.  I have no scientific proof, but also no doubt that the unbelievable fatigue and the amount of sleep I needed this summer was my body's way of dealing with both the chemo side effects and the emotional stress of the past several years.

Four weeks after Robin's death, the discussion about depression and suicide has dropped off.  I can only hope that the conversations that took place are lodged in our collective memories, and that those who need help - and those who love them - will remember and find the strength to reach out for help.

Orlando Sentinel, January 24, 2013, Chronic pain and suicide

Ceremony and Celebration

The invitations for the last celebrations I've gone to or hosted were sent via Evite, email, or a Facebook event.  I can't remember the last time the mail carrier brought a formal invitation to the house. Not that I'm complaining! The procrastinator in me loves the ability to get it done with a push of a button, and I especially appreciate the automatic, electronic reminders of upcoming events.

Gratitude Letterpress Notecards

Between technology and an increasingly informal culture, many of the traditional markers of ceremony have fallen to the wayside.  However, I believe that ceremony remains an integral and important part of our lives. I'd even argue that today's smaller, more informal ceremonies are more meaningful than the spectacular but infrequent celebrations of the past.

Wikipedia describes ceremonies as events of ritual significance.  There is something to be said for incorporating even informal ceremony into our everyday lives. To my mind, ceremony is really about cementing a bond between two or more people, or a bond with a higher power.

To celebrate the end of my chemotherapy treatments, a group of friends and I joined for dinner at a local restaurant.  It was an evening of laughter, great food and drinks, better conversation, and a reconnection with some friends I hadn't seen in a while.  There's a reason that breaking bread together is an integral part of many ceremonies.  For the younger crowd (and some adults), friendship bracelets have become a popular way to show support for someone who is struggling, and to serve as a constant reminder of that bond, even when you are apart.

Friendship Bracelets

One of the most loving ceremonies I've ever witnessed happened when my husband was in the hospital near the end of his life and when he was unable to care for himself. He always clipped his fingernails very short, but with all his other needs, this was one task that just didn't get done.  My oldest daughter noticed, and without saying a word, brought her manicure kit on the next visit.  She spent close to an hour working on his hands and feet, lovingly getting them back to the condition that he preferred, strengthening the bond between them in a way she will never forget, and making him feel just a little more human and a lot more loved.  If there could be a modern version of the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet, I think this might be it.

And, really, isn't that what caring is all about -- demonstrating to someone that there is a special bond? That they are not alone; that someone is in the fight with them?

Handbuilt Daisy Mug

When I use one of my favorite coffee mugs -- whether it's the tackiest, most touristy one my mom could find during her visit soon after I moved to Washington DC or one of the set given to me 27 years ago by my maid-of-honor -- I remember both the person and the event.  These rituals are insignificant compared to some, but they connect me to my late mother and to a friend I haven't seen in years.  With every use, I strengthen those bonds and celebrate those relationships.

I'd love to hear what little ceremonies or celebrations you've incorporated into your life.  How do you recognize the bonds between yourself and others?

P.S.  The images I've used are of products that will be for sale at www.Boheez.com when the store opens (very shortly). Stay tuned for a special pre-opening Sneak Peek Sale where you'll be able to get some great gifts for yourselves and others at a fantastic price.  And remember, the holiday season isn't all that far away!