A Twist on the Traditional Group Gift

There are all kinds of reasons for a group to come together to give a single gift.  Sometimes, they're elaborate, but most often the goal is just to show that you care.  Boheez carries a variety of gift books that can make a thoughtful, long-lasting reminder of the connections that tie us together, perfect for retirement celebrations, weddings, milestone birthdays, or encouraging someone dealing with an illness.

Our books are not only beautiful and contain inspirational passages, but they also have an abundance of open space, ready for each member of the group to add their own personal note on a page that speaks to them. Costing between $10 and $15, the books can stand on their own or be added to another gift.

When I was going through my own (multiple) crises, I fell into a habit of re-reading the facebook messages, emails, and texts that friends and colleagues sent. Especially on days when I was feeling sad, alone, and overwhelmed, those simple messages meant so much.  My late husband, when he retired early due to his disability and illness, received a large print surrounded with messages from his coworkers.  Luckily, we had space to hang it where could view it frequently.  It served as a wonderful reminder of happier days and strong friendships.

These books are like that, only in a smaller, portable, and more accessible version.  What innovative group gifts have you given (or received)?  Do you have any ideas for a twist on group gifts?  Share, please!

A Lesson I Need To Learn

There's a difference between learning from blunders and being weighed down by them.  This a lesson I need to learn in almost every aspect of my life.  How about you?

 Image Credit:  Hippie Peace Freaks

This is What I've Been Up To

A rule, maybe the cardinal rule of blogging is to post frequently so that your readers don't forget about you. Sometimes though, when an opportunity falls into your lap and a deadline is involved, the routine of writing and posting falls by the wayside.  Such was the case when I decided to open a pop-up shop at Gallery 3976, an awesome collection of artists and vendors at 1818 Margaret Ave. in the Annapolis Design District - the commercial area bounded by West Street, Legion Avenue, and Chinquapin Round Road.

Gallery 3976 located at 1818 Margaret Ave.

Boheez will be open Thursday through Saturday from 11 - 5 pm.  In December, we will also be open on Wednesday and Sunday, making it easier for you to get your holiday shopping done!  And, if those times aren't convenient for you, just email Service@Boheez.com and we'll make arrangements to meet you when it's convenient for you!  If you haven't liked the Boheez Facebook page yet, I highly recommend it -- that's where I'll be posting the latest news and special deals.

Zum Soaps at Boheez's pop up shop

The Gallery's first big event was a fundraiser for the Chesapeake Ballet Theater, which took place on November 14th.  It was a mad dash to transform an old warehouse space into a fun and functional space where creativity could thrive and customers could shop easily.  Close to 200 friends, family, and supporters of the Theater stopped by to shop, eat, drink, and shop some more!

Our Nautical Throw in the lobby!

That night, I realized that what I miss most about running a brick and mortar store is the instant reaction of customers to a product or the overall concept.  

Chesapeake Ballet Theater Fundraisers

There's no way any Yelp review can capture that look of joy (or disdain!) when a customer sees something for the first time. It's also so much fun to be surrounded by the creativity of the artists!  One of the goals of the Gallery is to be include a showroom of sorts -- combining all of the artists products together as they would be in an actual home.

For example, the Gallery Lobby resembles a comfortable family room, with artwork by Debra Watson, an embroidered pillow by Pier 77, a cedar trunk by Knot Shore, a driftwood sailboat by By the Bay, and a Nautical Throw that Boheez offers in two versions.  (The recycled metal Pelican is also available at Boheez, but only in the Gallery).   Please stop by if you're in the Annapolis area!  We'd love to see you!

Happiness is a Way of Travel

You're Not Alone ... And You Don't Have to Be

Did you know that in the US nearly 66 million adults serve as unpaid caregivers to someone who is ill, disabled, or aged?  That's a heck of a lot of people -- about 29% of the population. The vast majority of them care for a relative, but many of them support a friend, neighbor, or colleague.

Image Credit:  www.thecaregiverspace.org

There are a number of sobering statistics about caregivers. The one that makes me saddest was posted by The Caregiver Space on their Facebook page: 36% of caregivers feel they have no source of support to turn to. That translates into 24 million people, about three times the population of New York City, who feel they are on their own to deal with the responsibility, the stress, and the uncertainty of caregiving.

In my case, the reasons included not wanting to intrude on the busy lives of my friends, a belief that I should be able to do it all, and the relatively gradual increase in the amount of caregiving my husband required.  

Looking back, it's easy to say that if I had known about the resources available, or how willing friends would be to help out, I would have reached out. The reality is that I was trying to just hang on and get through each day.  I researched the heck out of his symptoms, the disease progression, and how to support him.  It didn't dawn on me to look for support for myself.  

I've just published a page on this blog that lists a few resources for caregivers. It's only a start, and I haven't vetted them beyond a review of their website and/or their Facebook pages.  I'll post additional resources as I find them, and I encourage you to send me ones that you know about. (You can add them as a comment here if you like.) 

With 40% of US families providing care for someone, it's almost certain that you know a caregiver, if you aren't one yourself.  Reach out.  

The Purpose of Life is to Live It.

I've always loved this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, and reach for it whenever I need encouragement. But this weekend, it really hit home that I need to let it apply to my daughters' lives too. 

With every college application, homecoming dance, and other senior year experience, the fact that my oldest will be leaving home becomes less abstract. I want her to be able to live this quote even though I know that pain will be part of her journey. 

My heart wants to keep my daughters innocent and shelter them from everything bad in the world, from failures, mistakes, and pain. My head knows it's years too late for that, even if it were possible.

When my oldest was a baby, I dismissed the sleep training experts who encouraged letting babies cry it out and learn to self-soothe. Instead, I relied on Dr. Spock's admonition to trust myself. I rocked her to sleep, or sat beside her crib until she fell sound asleep, believing that it was critical that she knew someone would always be there for her. I wanted that knowledge to be part of her essence, her very being. She had years to figure out how to fall asleep on her own.

Our night time routine evolved into my tucking her in every night, lying next to her telling stories and talking about whatever was on her mind. Almost six years later, I did the same with her sister. That time spent together became almost sacred in our family and continued until each was about 11 years old. Then, without discussion or even saying a word, they each began going to bed on their own.

What does our nighttime routine have to do with preparing them to live life to its fullest? Everything, I think. Over and over again, as a manager, a parent, a friend, and a caregiver, I've seen the difference that results from knowing there is someone in your corner, that someone cares deeply for you, even when a mistake is made or plans go awry. My high school senior is in the throes of figuring out how she wants to live her life. It's a process that will likely take years as she decides which experiences she wants to taste along the way. All I can hope is that she reaches out eagerly and without fear, knowing that I'll be here no matter what. 

The Most Beautiful People

Image Credit:  Caregiving.com

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross originated the concept of the Five Stages of Grief, but she contributed so much more to western society.  She was also a pioneer of hospice, and considered dying just one more stage of life.  In fact, while she's often referenced for her work on death, dying, and grieving, she referred to herself most often as the "life and living lady."   

To find out more about Dr. Kubler-Ross, find resources for those who are aging or nearing their end of life, visit her foundation's website. In addition to a great deal of helpful information, the website also includes other resources for those in need.

A favorite quote: Leo Buscaglia

Focusing on Our Strengths

If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I was in a deep funk for the last few weeks.  My thoughts were about all the things, big and little, that weren't going the way I wanted them to. Let's just say I wasn't much fun to be around!  It's no wonder my kids decided to spend most of their time in their rooms.

Finally, I broke out of my funk and reminded myself that concentrating on what was wrong was about as productive as wishing the coffee would make itself. When I started focusing on what was right with my world - how good things really are for me - it was easy to find things to add to the list.

A favorite book when I was a manager (and management consultant) was First, Break all the Rules by Marcus Buckingham, a manager at the Gallup company.  In it, he details what he found reviewing 80,000 surveys. There were 12 key rules that great managers live by.  The one that has stuck with me is "Focus on Strengths."  So many times, our children's report cards are filled with "To improve, Johnny needs to....."  At work, our performance reports or appraisals always include a section of development actions to take us to the next level. What Buckingham found is that the managers who focused on the building up the strengths of their employees ended up with happier, more productive employees and better performing organizations.

That doesn't mean that they ignored areas that needed improvement.  Remember the 80/20 rule? Instead of spending 80 percent of the resources to 'fix' the 20 percent that was a problem, they focused the majority of their attention on making their employee's strengths even stronger.

How does a management book apply to getting me out of my funk, and more importantly, caring for myself?  When I started listing what was right in my world, I included what I was good at, and what I had at my disposal to make my dreams a reality.  I focused on my strengths.

Part of caring for ourselves includes taking that time to ensure we recognize our strengths, to recognize that no matter what else is happening in our worlds that we have a strong core to rely on.  We're all different, we all have a different set of strengths.  What are yours?  Take a few minutes to really think them through. I guarantee you'll feel better, and you'll see how good things really are.  

If you do nothing....

I have a strong belief that we receive messages when we need them.  I don't know if it's some greater force at work, or if it's simply like advertising -- even though the rug store always has a 70% off! sign in the window, we don't really notice it until we're looking for a rug.

Have you ever played the "What if only" game?  What if I had(n't) done X?  What if only I had done Y?  Then of course, life would be perfect.  I've been playing it the last few weeks. It's a really stupid and pointless game that took me far down a rabbit hole and wasted a lot of my energy and time.

Several years ago, I owned a retail store in downtown Annapolis that included products made by local artists who were ready to make that next leap -- usually they had been selling at craft fairs or on Etsy but weren't in a retail store.  Part of my goal was to give them a safe place to dip their toe in the water, to give them the confidence to do great things with their vision.  I closed the store in the middle of 2012, and lost touch with many of the people I met during that time.  I lurked on some of their Facebook pages, or stalked some of their websites on occasion to see what happened to them.  Some disappeared completely, and a few took the experience and continued to grow.

Two designers, Karen Grenalde of Kalai Kai and Cat Reinheimer, sold their work in the shop and have gone on to bigger and better things. Their talent and vision was clear and their success easy to predict, but I like to think that what they learned from our joint experience helped a little too.  Another artist, Suzi, launched Annapolis Brands, focusing first on children's clothing, but now selling  adult clothes and accessories.  By coincidence, she and I reconnected last week.

Whether it was that greater force at work, or simply coincidence, she told me that being carried in my store was the launching pad for her current business and vision.  Right then, the rules of the "What if only" game changed.   Instead of being a negative question, "What if" became a positive.  What if I had never opened the store, had never met Suzi at that time and place?  I'm sure she would have worked out her dream on her own; she's that kind of person, and her products are that good. That simple validation, however, forced me to change my perspective.

I'm back out of the rabbit hole, enjoying a clear and crisp new day, and moving forward.  As Gandhi said, we may not know what happens, but if we stay in the rabbit hole there will definitely be no results.

Trust Your Heart

From a Facebook page that I follow (and website I've relied on).  I'm in the midst of writing a post related to this.  Coincidence?  

Image Credit:  www.caregiving.com

What Difference Can Five Dollars Make?

Patiss Watch $148

This October, in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, TOKYObay is donating five dollars from each sale of its pink watches to thepinkfund.org.  Thepinkfund.org is an organization that provides non-medical financial aid to cover basic living expenses while patients undergo breast cancer treatment.  Now through the end of October, Boheez is also donating five dollars per pink watch, with our five dollars going to the Infusion Center at the DeCesaris Cancer Institute, part of the Anne Arundel Medical Center.

Gaucho Watch $100

At first, it doesn't seem like much. Five dollars a watch?  How big of a difference can that really make?  For a good sized, wholesale company that does business internationally, five dollars times each pink watch can add up pretty quickly. But even a (very) small company like Boheez can make a visible difference.  Let me tell you how.

I spent some time last summer at the Infusion Center hooked up to an IV for my own chemotherapy treatments.  In addition to the top notch medical care, volunteers wandered the floor checking in on patients and offering conversation, moral support, and snacks and beverages. One of the volunteers mentioned that the snack cabinet used to include peanut butter crackers in addition to graham crackers and saltines.  The peanut butter crackers were prized because they had at least a little protein (something that chemo patients need more of in their diet) and a lot more flavor than the other crackers. 

Bean Watch $80

Budget cuts, however, led to the elimination of peanut butter crackers. It didn't have a huge impact, it didn't change the course of anyone's treatment. But it did make difference to those of us lying in those chairs.  My chemo buddy, Debra, who accompanied me to most of my day-long treatments, brought a box or two of crackers to our remaining visits.  You'd think it was Christmas morning the way they were received.  

Boheez likely won't sell enough pink watches during October to make a huge dent in breast cancer treatment and support, but I bet we can sell enough to keep the Infusion Center stocked with peanut butter crackers and brighten a pretty icky day for those spending time at the Infusion Center.

P.S.  If you click on any of the images, you'll go straight to that watch on the Boheez site.  

Artist Profile -- Todd Parr, Children's Author

One of my favorite authors, who I wish was around when I was a kid, is Todd Parr.  I almost think of him as a modern-day Dr. Seuss, whose books for children hold just as much joy for adults.  The publisher notes say that his books are intended for 3-6 year olds, but I find that much too limiting. Younger children understand the concepts of love, kindness, and feeling good, while older kids can use the books as the starting points for more mature discussions.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd uses bright colors and humor in his books about a wide range of topics, from talking about love, to the various shapes and sizes that families come in, being scared, and finding joy in being who we are, no matter how different we may seem.  

It says something about Todd that his bio includes his favorite color (blue) and his favorite food (mac & cheese) along with a photo of himself and his beloved dogs.  Before he tells readers that he's the author of close to 40 books and creates short films for Sesame Street, he points out that he likes to paint and draw but failed art class.

Image Credit:  ToddParr.com

Todd's books have won a whole host of awards, including Reader's Choice awards, the National Parenting Publications Award, and Scholastic's Parent & Child Magazine's Teacher's Picks.  He's also been on the NY Times best selling author list. On his website, he also offers an 8-page guide for parents and teachers filled with ideas and activities to use with several of his best-selling books.

Here at Boheez, we carry (mostly) the hardcopy versions of Todd's books because we believe they hold up better to the frequent page turning and passing on that happens to favorite reads.  We also think that a hardcover book just makes a more thoughtful gift -- and that's what we're all about.  

 

With Great Power Comes Great Optimism

Years ago, I was in a seminar on personal power. While the speaker (who is long forgotten) was focused on power within an organization, the lessons apply to every aspect of life. His main point was that power comes from having options. If we can see options, we can gain power because we become active players, taking some measure of control over our lives and our future.

This Joan Rivers* quote is a different way of making the same point.  Those of us old enough to have watched Joan pre-Fashion Police know that her life had its share of ups and downs.  What kept her going was her ability to take control over her life.  Even after a horrific year (her husband committed suicide, her TV show was cancelled, and a feud with Johnny Carson resulted in no one willing to hire her), she pulled herself together and moved forward. 
 
I believe her greatest power came not from her ability to see options but from her ability to create new options when she didn't like the ones she saw. And that gave Joan optimism about the future. Knowing that she had the power to make her own door let her live life on her own terms. 

As a caregiver (or parent, employee, or fill-in-the-blank), there were many days when the doors in front of me were depressing, locked, or too scary to go through.  I wish I could say that I created my own door before it was the last resort, but I can't.  I often felt powerless to do anything but be swept along in the current, hoping that whatever was happening would end soon and we'd return to whatever the last version of "normal" was.

It's only been in the last year or two that I've truly realized that living according to someone else's priorities just isn't what I want to do, or the lesson that I want to teach my children. All of a sudden, that door that was too scary now seems like the best and only real option.  I may not know what the "something terrific" will be, but knowing that I'm creating it, that I'm actively choosing that option, gives me great power and great optimism.  And that's not half bad.

*The quote is from Joan Rivers' 1992 book Still Talking.

Isn't This The Truth?

This graphic, originally found here, is by Julia Gamolina.  It fits all aspects of my life perfectly, from career to kids to marriage and everything in between. What about you?  How have your life plans turned out?

Coincidence?

Yesterday, just as I posted the blog about tough vs. soft forms of love, a friend posted this to Facebook and noted that he probably didn't say them enough.  I think everybody needs to hear these phrases.  I spent a long time emphasizing numbers 1 and 5, but have added 2, 6, and 7. (Don't feel too badly about numbers 3 and 4.  They're in there too!)

What do you think about this list?  Is there anything missing?  

What's the Right Way to Care?

Part of caring for others is to know when to be soft and when to be tough.  Knowing which way to lean is never easy, and I'll be the first to admit I've gotten it wrong many, many times.

Photo Credit:  Mamma Mia

As my daughters dealt with their dad's illness and grieved his death, I was a pushover.  I was lenient when they wanted to stay home from school because they were just sad, or not feeling well and just needed some parental love.  There were complicating factors with each of my daughters that made it easy to rationalize.  Working from home also made it easier for me to say yes to their needs (ok...wants).  

Looking back, having them around to snuggle with and take care of helped me through my grieving too.  It felt good, and it was a nice change to have something that I could fix with chicken noodle soup, some hugs and a favorite DVD. We were a team, all for one and one for all.

Now it's time to get tough.  Some (school administrators, for example), pushed me to get tough earlier.  Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't - it just didn't feel right.

But now I can.  It's not been easy, but the first step is always the hardest.  The rule this year is that if they aren't bleeding profusely, vomiting, or have a 103 degree fever, they are going to school and doing their homework. And participating in outside events.  We made it through three weeks of school without too much trouble.  But this week, my oldest, a high school senior, has a three day camping trip with her class where they'll go white water rafting, bond, and discuss their plans for their last year at school. 

Even that short period away has caused both girls anxiety.  The fear that something bad will happen to another loved one is common for those who have experienced serious illness or death. My job now is to be the tough mom, to remind them of their strength and their responsibilities.  To tell them that with each step it will be a little easier for them.  And a little easier for me.  

Knowing when to be soft and when to be tough is hard.  Each person, each situation is different. To quote Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do."  Sometimes, you'll get it wrong.  But more often, you'll get it right. 

A Double Burden

Just one month ago, Robin Williams' death shocked the world and brought mental health and depression to the forefront. The nightly news and the internet was filled with conversation about depression and suicide.  I was struck by the range of beliefs concerning suicide, and the ingrained reactions that belied a lack of knowledge about the topic.  Normally, it's a topic avoided even more than politics and religion.  At least for a few short weeks, there were some fairly candid discussions, and I hope, some learning done.

I've seen and dealt with my share of depression.  A January 2013 newspaper article reported that large-scale studies suggest between 10 and 70 percent of suicides are linked to chronic illness or unrelenting pain.  That statistic didn't surprise me at all, and my guess is the true number is closer to 70 percent than 10.

As caregivers, our burden is double.  We have to be aware of and able to talk about our own mental health as well as that of those we care for.  Watching someone you love in mental pain is hard, very hard.  For me, it was worse than dealing with almost any other aspect of my husband's illness.  There were many days when I know he thought about ending his life - because he told me and we talked it through.  He was tired of the never ending pain, the growing weakness, the constant threat of choking, of falling, of another heart attack, of what he could no longer do.  One of his greatest concerns was the weight he was placing on his family -- on me and our two daughters.  Many days that bothered him more than the physical aspects of his illnesses.

My reaction was to hide my feelings as best as possible as often as possible; to tell him we were all in this together, that I was saddened too, but that we would make it through and that the vow "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" was sacred.  In the end, he was stronger than his depression, but not stronger than his other diseases.   After his death, I turned my focus to my daughters and their grief.  In hindsight, it was only this summer, nearly two years later, that I announced I was putting my health first and did so.  I have no scientific proof, but also no doubt that the unbelievable fatigue and the amount of sleep I needed this summer was my body's way of dealing with both the chemo side effects and the emotional stress of the past several years.

Four weeks after Robin's death, the discussion about depression and suicide has dropped off.  I can only hope that the conversations that took place are lodged in our collective memories, and that those who need help - and those who love them - will remember and find the strength to reach out for help.

Orlando Sentinel, January 24, 2013, Chronic pain and suicide

Ceremony and Celebration

The invitations for the last celebrations I've gone to or hosted were sent via Evite, email, or a Facebook event.  I can't remember the last time the mail carrier brought a formal invitation to the house. Not that I'm complaining! The procrastinator in me loves the ability to get it done with a push of a button, and I especially appreciate the automatic, electronic reminders of upcoming events.

Gratitude Letterpress Notecards

Between technology and an increasingly informal culture, many of the traditional markers of ceremony have fallen to the wayside.  However, I believe that ceremony remains an integral and important part of our lives. I'd even argue that today's smaller, more informal ceremonies are more meaningful than the spectacular but infrequent celebrations of the past.

Wikipedia describes ceremonies as events of ritual significance.  There is something to be said for incorporating even informal ceremony into our everyday lives. To my mind, ceremony is really about cementing a bond between two or more people, or a bond with a higher power.

To celebrate the end of my chemotherapy treatments, a group of friends and I joined for dinner at a local restaurant.  It was an evening of laughter, great food and drinks, better conversation, and a reconnection with some friends I hadn't seen in a while.  There's a reason that breaking bread together is an integral part of many ceremonies.  For the younger crowd (and some adults), friendship bracelets have become a popular way to show support for someone who is struggling, and to serve as a constant reminder of that bond, even when you are apart.

Friendship Bracelets

One of the most loving ceremonies I've ever witnessed happened when my husband was in the hospital near the end of his life and when he was unable to care for himself. He always clipped his fingernails very short, but with all his other needs, this was one task that just didn't get done.  My oldest daughter noticed, and without saying a word, brought her manicure kit on the next visit.  She spent close to an hour working on his hands and feet, lovingly getting them back to the condition that he preferred, strengthening the bond between them in a way she will never forget, and making him feel just a little more human and a lot more loved.  If there could be a modern version of the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet, I think this might be it.

And, really, isn't that what caring is all about -- demonstrating to someone that there is a special bond? That they are not alone; that someone is in the fight with them?

Handbuilt Daisy Mug

When I use one of my favorite coffee mugs -- whether it's the tackiest, most touristy one my mom could find during her visit soon after I moved to Washington DC or one of the set given to me 27 years ago by my maid-of-honor -- I remember both the person and the event.  These rituals are insignificant compared to some, but they connect me to my late mother and to a friend I haven't seen in years.  With every use, I strengthen those bonds and celebrate those relationships.

I'd love to hear what little ceremonies or celebrations you've incorporated into your life.  How do you recognize the bonds between yourself and others?

P.S.  The images I've used are of products that will be for sale at www.Boheez.com when the store opens (very shortly). Stay tuned for a special pre-opening Sneak Peek Sale where you'll be able to get some great gifts for yourselves and others at a fantastic price.  And remember, the holiday season isn't all that far away!

When the Tables Turn

In my last post, I mentioned that I had just finished treatment for ovarian cancer.  Luckily, the cyst was discovered during an annual exam and removed during what is called 'debulking' surgery.  The tumor was determined to be Stage I and there was no spread of the disease.  In discussion with my oncologist, I decided to go through chemotherapy as extra insurance - to make sure any microscopic cells were destroyed - essentially reducing the chance of recurrence to almost zero.

The hardest part of the whole ordeal?  Transitioning from caregiver to care-needer.

I came by my Caregiver badge honestly, with brief periods caring for my 100-year old grandmother and terminally ill mother, and a nearly 10 year stint caring for my disabled and chronically ill husband.  I juggled them with a full time job, raising two (amazing) daughters, and owning a store in downtown Annapolis.  I had convinced myself I could do it all.  And then all of a sudden, I couldn't.  There was no way I was going to be able to get through the chemotherapy without asking for help.  And that bothered me more than anything.  It took several weeks for me to work up the courage to ask my closest friends for help.

Guess what?  It really wasn't that bad.  I made specific requests for help (healthful meals that appealed to preteen and teen girls was a primary need), enjoyed catching up with old friends who expressed concern and best wishes, and focused on taking care of myself - mainly sleeping when I was tired and drinking lots and lots of water.  I reached out to the parents of my youngest daughter's closest friends, and they came to my rescue with playdates and overnights to distract her. My older daughter spent her summer doing teen things - mostly involving nail polish - but also taking care of me (she's a natural caregiver).

Now that the chemotherapy is over, I'm looking forward to returning to my previous "take charge" persona and energy level.  But I've learned how to ask for help when I need it.  And that's a lesson I'll keep with me forever.